I’ve watched myself this time, from the chair across the room. I have watched and listened as I cried through the night. I’ve seen the sheets rumple and toss as my legs kick them, over and over. The computer is pulled toward me, the plug ripped out of the base. I’ve seen my arms get skinnier, I’ve seen my stomach shrink a little.
At night I hear my stomach growl, and it is loud. Rachel hears
it, she is next to me, we are stranded and the snow piles and piles
“Want me to take you to the ER?” My mother asks this tonight. I grunt. I shake my head.
If I go, I will be admitted. I can’t be admitted. I have things to do.
My body grows weaker with each bite of food I don’t take. I
slide Ramen noodles down my throat, the sodium will bloat me but it is
carbohydrates and I need something. Icy Gatorade is all I can sip. I
bite the straw so hard. I feel like I am growing new teeth, my gums are
I wanted to eat Christmas ham and turkey. I wanted the catered penne vodka. But we all
have things we want but don’t get.
I’m watching this time, I am still smiling. I still feel the rush of new feelings.
I dance across the hardwood floors to make sure I can still get up. I
get my own ice. I plan to memorize the United State Presidents by date.
I organize my thoughts so that they do not drift into the Bad.
I write about characters who are healthy, who swim and jump around. I write about them and for a minute, their bodies are mine.
I am watching. I am here. I am not letting go.
I will not. I will not let go.
I also have developed some sort of skin rash on my face that makes me look like I got a chemical peel. It burns. It itches. It is uuuuuuuuugly. Remember that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie makes Samantha leave her book party because of her face? YEAH. THAT’S WHAT MY FACE LOOKS LIKE WHEN IT IS UNAIDED BY MAKE UP.
I think I’ve been pretty reasonable. I’m down for being sick, not being able to get out of bed, spending weeks in the hospital, but you do NOT mess with my face! I have enough damned scars, body!
LEAVE THE MONEYMAKER ALONE.