I have these thoughts often.

What if I moved away? Out of New York City and the tri-state area? Away from my parents, cousins, friends, family and the doctors I’ve known since I was a kid.

What if I moved away and got better?

It doesn’t make any sense. I know this.

But…what if?

Because I want to. I love my life in New York but I know that this city is where I will be in ten years. I would like to travel, and live somewhere else, and not have men spit on me on the subway. I would just like to feel like I am an adult, doing it all by myself.

But I just filed for disability leave and I’m fucking miserable and dependent. I’m in no place to do anything.

My lease ends in 11 months. Sick leave ends whenever.

Maybe things will change. I will use this time off to get better because I am going to believe it works like that.

Maybe it does.

And then I'll go, go, go.


  1. You can do whatever you want, don't let the diseases stop you!

  2. Depressing! You need a trip.

  3. I hear North Dakota is nice this time of year - and you already know someone there...
    And it's not TOO far of a drive from all of us really really cool people in the MSP...
    Think about it...a change of pace really DOES do some good sometimes...
    even if it's only temporary!