Q: Who are you?
A: Hello! I am Kelly Bergin. I live, write and try not to get fired in
Q: What do you do for money, aside from calling your dad and sobbing that you have none left?
I worked as a copywriter for 3 years in New York. I currently do some of the same here in LA, as well as freelance write/blog/rap at parties. Please hire me.
You may contact me (and I beg of you to do so*) at: email@example.com.
*Seriously. I don't get enough emails. Just don't try to solicit me to buy a penis pump or Viagra.
Q: Where are you from?
A: I was born in Red Bank, NJ and raised in Middletown and Interlaken, NJ. It's an area south of New York City near the Atlantic Ocean. IT IS NOT THE JERSEY SHORE...FINE IT IS.
Q: So does this mean you know Snooki?
A: Ha. Idiots. I am Snooki.
Q. Sorry if this is rude, but what is wrong with you?
A: Uhhh. I'm hoping you mean medically and not because I often pose for pictures like this...
Q: Okay, well now I'm not sure. What is medically wrong with you?
I was diagnosed with an immuno-deficiency when I was 10 months old. So I was sick a decent amount as a kid--there were always things I couldn't do, but I was OK with it. It was all I knew. And I didn't mind the attention, or that I always got to go to McDonald's when we visited my doctors at CHOP.
When I hit puberty, I developed an obsession with Zac Hanson and also a whole new slew of medical symptoms, which were finally diagnosed as lupus in 2002/03. That sucked. A few years later, I noticed a huge lump on my neck but ignored it until December 07.
here. I've faced some annoying medical issues since and have been hospitalized quite a few times. But it's all good!
Q: Weird. Are you a medical marvel?
Yes. That's what I want printed on my gravestone.
Q: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Um. See below.
Q: Why did you move to LA?
A: To become Brangelina's nanny. Or die trying.
Q: Do you really think you are going to die alone?
A: Oh, ha ha. No. I don't really think I'm going to die alone. It's a schtick, just like Tom Cruise's 'straight guy' schtick. Even if I never marry or reproduce children of my own, I made my sister promise to take me in when I am old, single and broke. I'll be the weird aunt in the attic who teaches the children in the neighborhood to make me homemade wine.
....This is a work in progress, so if you have any more questions, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.