Dumb Shit I've Done Without My Thyroid

Hello, people. We are on week three of my life without a thyroid.
Well, five years and three weeks. But three weeks without taking my thyroid hormone.

I was reading about how this was going to make me feel and I read this message board of complainers who likened being thyroid-less to being sedated.

I was like LOL, I am stronger than that. And then the next morning I got up early to take the dog to the beach and drove over a huge, visible piece of driftwood and slashed my two front tires.

But that was surely a coincidence, right?

The next week I got lost. In Interlaken, NJ. A town of .383 square miles (according to Wikipedia). It's got like 5 streets. And my parents moved here
when I was 16.

I finally found my way home and promised to drink coffee before leaving the house again.

Then on Valentine's Day, I was babysitting because HAHA MY LIFE IS SO SAD, and I had to drink 3 Red Bulls to keep up with the children. Despite the fact I take medicine for tachycardia.

When the parents got home at midnight, I had drooled on their sofa pillow so I had to quickly turn it over before they saw. As I got in my car, the mom came running out WITH MY CAR KEYS. And my iPad. I then got in my car to leave and drove halfway down the street with the windshield frosted over, before I remembered that I left my charger at the house.

So the parents are standing in the kitchen, possibly talking about their love for each other, and I barge in ten minutes after leaving to get my charger.
The next day, the mom texted me I'd left my hat there. The hat I wear to cover up the fact that I have no energy to shower!


I then babysat for them on Tuesday and left my scarf there. I almost want to explain why I'm so scatter-brained but I'm too embarrassed.

AND THEN...the other night I rolled over in bed and cried because it hurt so much to move (fatigue, people) and I accidentally knocked all the crap off my bed into the narrow space between my bed and the wall. Without thinking to turn the light on, I just stuck my FACE down to see what I'd dropped (Frosted Flakes and books) and then TOPPLED, HEAD FIRST, into the chasm.

I nearly broke my crown, JACK AND JILL STYLE. (Note: this is actually something I've done while ON thyroid medicine, but I'm going to blame my dumb body for that stupidity.)

Lastly, last night I tried to heat up leftovers in the house. I was about to place the aluminum foil in the microwave, as one should never do, when the dog barked and distracted me. I let her inside and then went back to my apartment over the garage (my life is a fucking screenplay), only to wonder ten minutes later why I was so hungry. Didn't I...wasn't there...leftovers? I...think?

Luckily, before I ate, I remembered my dad telling me to heat up my dinner in the oven. So, missed that possible electrocution, which is a plus!

I've got another 3 weeks of not taking the hormone, and then blood tests to make sure my level is low enough to do the scans. And then 10-14 days after that, I should be feeling somewhat normal.

So, send Red Bull until then...and don't ask me to do anything that requires me to multitask. Like text and drive. Or walk and chew gum. I will choke.

(Thanks for all the care packages, birthday wishes and general love. I am astounded at the generosity of my friends. Love to you all.)


"Can I do anything to help?"

"Can I do anything? Please?"

No, but thanks.

Aw, that means a lot but I’m okay, thanks.

Nah, but thanks for asking.

I appreciate it, but I’m okay.

This is what I say.

This is how I respond.

I thank them. I move on.

What I need is this,

right now:
An assurance that everything will be fine.

A hand that covers mine.

A soul strong enough to bear a piece of mine, 

if only just for tonight.

What do I need?
A way to escape the fear

that is replaying in my head.

I am scared, I am scared, I am afraid.

Everything else is physical.

Everything else is manageable.

And still:

I am scared, I am scared,
I am afraid.

(But thank you for asking.)


Conversations With My Father About Donuts

Dad: So, your mother wanted me to talk to you about something.

Me: Oh Jesus. What? I barely drink. I don't smoke. I don't--

Dad: No, it's not that.

Me: Well?

Dad: Well. You have diabetes.

Me: I guess that's true.

Dad: You...you have to stop eating donuts.

Me: Ugh.

Dad: Your niece needs you to live.

Me: Way to play that card!

Dad: Your family needs you.


Dad: Okay!

(How many days until Jesus rises? Seriously. I passed a cop going into a Dunkin' Donuts and it was the only time in my life I wished I was in the pack of a police car.)



Love, Love, Love

Yesterday I woke up to my dad coming to visit my apartment with a huge box of goodies from my old boss at Harrison & Star, Sara.

Inside there was applesauce for my mouth sores, a bunch of books I've been dying to read, a writer's guide, fake hair extensions, a sleep mask and more.

I was completely blown away and sincerely moved by the gesture.

Later that day, I went to get the mail and curiously noticed a few more packages. I quickly brought them inside before my dad realized I'd ordered a couple of used books of Amazon on his AmEx...but there was more.

There was a Christmas card and a note from one of my FD camp friends, Barbershop. He wrote to let me know he was thinking of me during this tough time. The note was so beautiful and touching and personal that I'm welling up just now thinking about it.

And then there was something else! A beautiful piece of art from my camp counselor, PopTop (we all have a nickname) and a rad mix CD. I had to search my house for a CD player but I found one after my time machine kicked in (kidding, PT!) And as Bob Marley warbled "Don't worry, about a thing", I felt immediate comfort (and a craving for medicinal marijuana). I lounged back and listened to the rest of the CD and thought about how lucky I am.

I wonder, sometimes, what to do with all this love? I am given so much. From my parents and family and cousins, who cook for me, do my laundry and generally aid me as I go through this period of extreme fatigue.

From my friends, who give the simple gift of understanding. Who don't pressure me to do more than what I'm capable of. From my camp family at FD, who inspire me daily.

From my niece. Who is only 5 months old but yet brings me such joy. From my sister, who puts that baby in the car to come see her Aunt Kelly. From my brother, and his inane text messages that make me laugh and roll my eyes.

And from this online community of Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram: strangers before, they now send me books and notes and prayers.

What to make of a life so full, so hard, so beautiful?
I must practice gratitude.

Know that people are good. That for every horror story, there are a million acts of kindness.
This is proof. And I am so grateful.

So, what to do with this love?
Appreciate it.
Pass it on.
Be kind.
Be good.

Pass it on.

Thank you to everyone for their support. I love you all.

Happy Valentine's Day.


What Makes You Happy?

These next few weeks are going to be hard on me (physically and emotionally) so I made myself a list of the things that make me happy to get me through.

What Makes Me Happy: A List
-Recommending a book to someone and then hearing how much they loved it.
-Writing using Papermate's Flair Pen, which doesn't leak through the page
-Taking pictures
-Writing, when it's going well
-Summer, all of it, everywhere
-Sleeping the perfect amount (this is so rare!)
-Finding a way to embrace the moments when I am not in pain
-Making people laugh
-Beating everyone in Jeopardy!
-Magnetic Poetry (Don't hate.)
-Being alone, under my covers, with a book and my iPad
-Being "on" while surrounded by family and friends
-Reading to my niece
-Chasing my cousin's children and my friends' kids around on the beach
-Swimming in the ocean
-Well-deserved sweat (Sweating for no reason annoys me greatly)
-Parks and Recreation and Cougar Town
-A whole-wheat everything bagel with low fat veggie cream cheese from Delicious Bagels in Wannamassa, New Jersey
-My strong connection to my family, even though they are nuts
-Reconnecting with an old friend and finding the magic is still there
-Surfing. The few times I can stand on a board, I am usually overcome with joy and fall off.
-My connection to my First Descents Family, without whom I would be lost
-The cold, clear buzz off one beer. I rarely drink now, but when I do, I make sure I find joy in the one or two glasses I have. It is a treat. (I know, who am I?
-Traveling. Making plans to travel. Believing I can.

What makes you happy?