Today, I went to see my endocrinologist, who handles my diabetes and thyroid cancer. She noted that it's been five years since my cancer diagnosis but my markers were off and she'd like to do a set of scans again.
No biggie, usually. I've had this done in the past. It involves 3 days of injections and then a scan.
However, this time, insurance refuses to cover the process. (They claim they don't cover cancer. WTF.) So we will have to go about declaring me cancer free in a different, much more difficult way.
I will go through 4 weeks of withdrawal of my thyroid medicine, which stimulates your metabolism, your energy and fatigue levels. I will not be allowed to take any thyroid supplements until my numbers go down and they can do the scan. The scan will be able to see if anything new is growing.
My doctor told me to expect to feel shittier than I have ever felt before. I'll likely gain weight and be exhausted from short activities. You cannot function without a thyroid, and I will monitored carefully (my doctor said to text her complaints, because I'll have them! Ha ha kill me!)
I did not see this setback coming, so I am understandably upset. And angry. And wishing I could catch a break now, or anytime soon.
I'm also in the swing of a lupus attack and dealing with mouth and throat sores. I am about to be 10x more miserable, which I totally did not think was possible!
So, dear readers, please comment below or on Facebook and give me good recommendations for books and streaming TV shows. I'll also be writing for most of this time, so if you have any interest honing editing skills, let me know!
It's going to be a tough 4 weeks. But hopefully my scans will be clear and I will be given the OK to move back to California in March.
Thanks for continuing along!
Here, the lake has frozen over and the ground crunches with ice when I walk the 500 feet between my apartment in the carriage house to my parent's home.
I am back here in NJ for less than two months; I have things to do and money to save and bills to settle before I can set off again.
I have been feeling good--well, better than before. My blood work was improving and my scans were clear. I was looking forward to putting an unhealthy and painful few months behind me.
Yesterday I woke up remembering that my relationship was over. It stung, but so did my mouth. A new batch of ulcers had arrived over night. Since then, eating has been nonexistent; talking, a gamble. The sting in my mouth correlates with the sting I'm feeling over my breakup.
I cannot wait to get away from my life here, frozen like the lake that surrounds me. I love my family, and I love my new home, but I am meant to hike and swim and bike and feel the air every day on my skin. I want to take the pain in my mouth (so large, so present), and push it toward pain elsewhere, pain in my legs as they scale a mountain, pain in my arms as I swim another lap.
I want to repurpose my life. I want to get back on track. I want to forget the last 6 months, because it would hurt less if I did.
But nothing is a waste. Time pushes us forward, relentless. Soon I will feel the sun on my face again, and I will remember that it is worth the struggle.
That everything worth anything is indeed worth the struggle.
at 7:54 AM