Moving Forward

Here, the lake has frozen over and the ground crunches with ice when I walk the 500 feet between my apartment in the carriage house to my parent's home.

I am back here in NJ for less than two months; I have things to do and money to save and bills to settle before I can set off again.

I have been feeling good--well, better than before. My blood work was improving and my scans were clear. I was looking forward to putting an unhealthy and painful few months behind me.

Yesterday I woke up remembering that my relationship was over. It stung, but so did my mouth. A new batch of ulcers had arrived over night. Since then, eating has been nonexistent; talking, a gamble. The sting in my mouth correlates with the sting I'm feeling over my breakup.

I cannot wait to get away from my life here, frozen like the lake that surrounds me. I love my family, and I love my new home, but I am meant to hike and swim and bike and feel the air every day on my skin. I want to take the pain in my mouth (so large, so present), and push it toward pain elsewhere, pain in my legs as they scale a mountain, pain in my arms as I swim another lap.

I want to repurpose my life. I want to get back on track. I want to forget the last 6 months, because it would hurt less if I did.

But nothing is a waste. Time pushes us forward, relentless. Soon I will feel the sun on my face again, and I will remember that it is worth the struggle.

That everything worth anything is indeed worth the struggle.


  1. I hear ya sister. Good things in store for you. San Francisco is pretty sweet...) xo

  2. ugh. breakups are the worst. I'm rooting for you, as always. xo

  3. Nice blog thanks forr posting