Here, the lake has frozen over and the ground crunches with ice when I walk the 500 feet between my apartment in the carriage house to my parent's home.
I am back here in NJ for less than two months; I have things to do and money to save and bills to settle before I can set off again.
I have been feeling good--well, better than before. My blood work was improving and my scans were clear. I was looking forward to putting an unhealthy and painful few months behind me.
Yesterday I woke up remembering that my relationship was over. It stung, but so did my mouth. A new batch of ulcers had arrived over night. Since then, eating has been nonexistent; talking, a gamble. The sting in my mouth correlates with the sting I'm feeling over my breakup.
I cannot wait to get away from my life here, frozen like the lake that surrounds me. I love my family, and I love my new home, but I am meant to hike and swim and bike and feel the air every day on my skin. I want to take the pain in my mouth (so large, so present), and push it toward pain elsewhere, pain in my legs as they scale a mountain, pain in my arms as I swim another lap.
I want to repurpose my life. I want to get back on track. I want to forget the last 6 months, because it would hurt less if I did.
But nothing is a waste. Time pushes us forward, relentless. Soon I will feel the sun on my face again, and I will remember that it is worth the struggle.
That everything worth anything is indeed worth the struggle.