Two Years

Two years ago I sat in my kitchen with my boyfriend on my left, my parents on the right, my sister, in the middle.

And they told me, all at once. They told me with faces and words and outstretched arms.

I think I cried. I can't remember, but I'm sure that's what a normal person would have done. I know that I made phone calls and told friends.

But still...I can't remember everything.

It happened in different ways, all at the same time. All the shapes it took, the ways it unfolded and happened--I couldn't take it in then.

Even when I was right in the middle of it, I was remembering something else. I was looking for something else. I was saying to myself that treatment would be done by April and I would graduate in May. I would finish school on time. That was what I thought I should thinking about: the next step, the next breath. The next ten minutes in class--would I shoot my hand in the air and answer the question? These were the things I thought about. Dinners I would eat. Trips I would take.

I can’t remember now like I want to. I can’t think back because I can’t believe it has been two years. Perhaps I need more distance, more time to unravel my memories, pick apart what is truth and what is projection.

I need more time to think.

I need to remember the time I had cancer and was graduating college and had really bad acne.

I need to remember to move on.


  1. I was in the family room. I came in after mom and dad told you. I knew it before you. You cried, but not a lot. There was a lot of yelling and disbelief. I'll never forget that night.
    I'm proud of you Kelly on your 2 year cancerversary.

  2. wow. i'm speechless.

  3. There's a reason we can't remember certain things and in my book that's okay.

    Keep thinking about your next steps, it feels better.

  4. *HUGS* (and lots of love.)

  5. Thanks everyone...

    Perhaps I don't want to know--Kristie's comment left me feeling a bit ill.

    No offense, Red.

  6. None taken. It's weird to think about it. It doesn't give me the nicest feeling either.

  7. Congrats on kicking cancer's ass!

    Wonderful writing by the way!

  8. Wow, Kelly. That's quite a post. May you stay c-free for the rest of your life. I came over here because you totally made me laugh with your comment on my blog. I guess it would be weird to hope that you, too, crash your car and meet a guy, but I think I will just wish that you meet a great guy because clearly you are a great girl (who's a great writer).


  9. Thanks Ellen! I love your blog!

  10. you're such a great writer, kpb :) ....remember my awkward voicemail I left you when I found out?? miss you !!!

  11. gina, i fucking love that voicemail:

    gina: hi kel....SOB SOB SOB call me back SOB bye.