Reasons I'm Going To Hell: Part 1

1) Kristie kind of hates North Dakota and is really sad and writing emo tweets about it and I'M SORT OF HAPPY ABOUT IT, because I want her to quit and come home.

2) My younger brother Greg goes back to college this week, and yeah, I'll miss him because you know...he's fun sometimes, but I'll mostly miss the fact that without him in the house, there's one less person to bring me breakfast in bed.

3) I bribed Emma with three Munchkins this weekend so that she would a) stop trying to pick the flowers in Shop Rite and b) sit down with me. I HAVE A HEEL SPUR, PEOPLE. It hurts to stand.

4) I used to call my brother's beauty pageant ex-girlfriend JonBenet Ramsey behind her back.

5) I tried to Facebook friend the real JonBenet Ramsey's brother because I want to figure out if he did it. He did not accept.

6) I encourage Gen to drink alone because I love her maniacal tweets when she does.

7) In 8th grade, Rachel and I went on a date to the movies with some dudes and I told her that her hair looked good even though she had a huge bump in the back, just so that the boys would like me more than her. It did not work.

8) I once got naked in a hotel room bed so that I wouldn't have to share it with Kristie (SHE IS A MOUTH-BREATHER). She got so mad that she started crying and dramatically dragged a pillow and semen-stained blanket to the floor. I eventually felt bad and let her sleep in the bed.

9) Rachel and I once convinced Gen (when we were on one of our crash diets) that 8 laxatives was a normal dose to take. She hasn't been the same since.

10) One time, Rachel, Gen, Meghan and I went to the city in high school and bought a Playgirl. We then put up pictures all around Kristie's room (especially around her framed Bible quotes) and underneath Greg's bed. My mom found out, obviously, and I blamed it all on Gen.

I wish I could say I was ashamed of these.


  1. I love how you already anticipated a part 2.

  2. I can't stop laughing. I'm literally crying I'm laughing so hard.

  3. I still laugh to the point of tears thinking about that Playgirl magazine incident. You're welcome Kristie.

  4. One of the top five times I've ever seen your mom get really mad was when we posted those Playgirl pics everywhere.

    #7 - sabotage at its best

  5. I got SO mad at you for blaming the Playgirl incident on me. It took a grande caramel frappacino to get back in my good graces.

  6. This is a truly great post. Made me laugh out loud! Nice work KPB