6/4/10

Like Jacob and the Man in Black...


Imagine you are young, married and decide to have a child. A wonderful symbol of your love. A delight!


Instead, you birth the antichrist.


You name her Kelly Patricia and you pray she will blossom into a selfless, caring individual who doesn't Google herself daily.


She does not change so you decide to have another child (and then one more, but we'll get to Greg another time), one to make up for the evil your loins sprung into the world.


Her name is Kristie Ann. She is a redheaded, freckle-faced delight, attracting the stares of strangers and evoking a jealously in Kelly that will take 24 years to overcome.


She's special from the start. Her grandmother remarks to Kelly, age 7: "Kristie would give you the shirt off her back." Kelly does not know what this means so she literally runs outside in the cold and asks Kristie for her jacket, which Kristie gives kindly. Kelly becomes angry and throws it on the ground.


To compensate, Kelly nicknames her Big Red, a name that will haunt little Kristie for the rest of her life.


Kristie blossoms into a teenager who loves God and does charity work for fun.


She is accepted to Cabrini College on scholarship where she leads service trips and rarely gets drunk. Unlike her sister, she does not spend college nearly failing math and partying in condemned apartment buildings in the Bronx. Not once does she punch a fence and break her knuckles in a drunken rage or make out with a man older than forty five. She is Kelly's opposite.


In May, Big Red graduates from college at the top of her class. She plans to move to North Dakota for a year to help the Native Americans. (Kelly's reaction to her move was the following: "Don't go. Oh wait, go and then fly and meet us in Miami for Thanksgiving. That would be awesome. Free vaycayyyyyy!")


She moves home for the summer, and that is where our story begins.


One day, Kelly demands that Kristie drive her for ice cream, claiming it's gluten-free (lie) and NECESSARY.


Kelly is still in her pajamas and braless, even though it is 2pm on a Saturday. Her hair is matted to her head with grease because she is of the belief that there is no need to shower when she doesn't have work.


They drive through two fast food places, searching for McDonald's new Reeses' McFlurry. Kelly becomes angrier with each Reeses-less place, screaming obscenities at the drive through window when told there are none left. Kristie, her face as red as her hair, begs Kelly to shut up and drives away as fast as she can (30 MPH. Kristie does not speed.)


Finally, they give up and drive the twenty minutes to the Dairy Queen in Belmar, New Jersey. Kelly demands that Kristie get her a small swirl with M&Ms.


Kristie, unfailingly good, goes in alone, as Kelly is not to be seen in public.


She returns to the car, with a Blizzard in one hand and a small cup of ice cream and M&Ms in the other.


She sits down. Kelly looks at the ice cream and becomes enraged. The following conversation takes place:


Kelly: WHAT IS THIS? I ASKED FOR A BLIZZARD!


Kristie: No, you didn't! You said small cup!


Kelly: OMG. We have been driving all over for a Blizzard-like creation! I WANT A BLIZZARD. WHAT IS THIS?


Kristie: It's what you asked for!


Kelly: OH. MY. GOD. Why would I want this? Seriously am I on candid camera or something? IS THIS AN EFFING JOKE?


Kristie: Just eat it! Mix it around! Make your own Blizzard!


Kristie begins to close the door.


Kelly: Wait!


Suddenly, Kelly throws the ice cream at her sister in a fit of rage. The ice cream falls to a quick death upon the hot, sun-drenched pavement.


Kristie: You are such a psycho!


Kelly: Now go in there and get me what I asked for!


Kristie: No way in Heck (Kristie does not curse) am I going in there.


Kelly, feeling confused and sad, rips a five dollar bill out of Kristie's hands and runs into the store, alone and without a bra on.


She returns to the car, triumphant. They collapse in a fit of laughter and Kristie says again, pointedly: You are SUCH a psycho. It's a wonder we're from the same parents.


Kelly, trying to relate to Kristie's religion, says: Like Cain and Abel, right?


Kristie shakes her head and says: Not yet, Kelly. Not yet.


The End.

15 comments:

  1. hahha Kelly you are a fallen woman and your sister is a saint

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  2. Your poor sister!!!

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  3. I had to stop drinking my coffee after I almost spit it out for the second time.

    Love you girls!

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  4. OMG that was hilarious!!!! I have been on such a trip like that with Kelly and Kristie. Does Thanksgiving Day '09 ring a bell? We drove around for an hour as per Ms. Kellys request that we find her chicken fingers. Nevermind we were having a big meal later or that every restaurant was closed, including McDonalds... The highlight was when Kelly accosted the volunteers at Fridays upon realizing that the restaurant was in fact closed when they asked if we were there to serve hot meals to the homeless, and no they do not have chicken fingers they can heat up in the back for you real quick...

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  5. THAT WAS APPLEBEE'S, SAM!

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  6. none of this shocks me and yet it is still hilarious. btw PUT A BRA ON WOMAN.

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  7. that's awful that you would treat your sister like that...those of us that don't have sisters would treat yours like the diamond that she is precious...poor Kristie..God Bless her!

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  8. Anonymous:

    I KNOW YOU'RE SOMEONE IN MY FAMILY.

    My guesses:

    1) Auntie
    2) Kristie
    3) Father

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  9. Well I didn't post that so I guess that narrows down your list. Though auntie always signs with an xoxo so maybe it's just someone with right sense!

    Kelly's not such an awful sister, as psycho as she can be. This is just the dynamic of our relationship. Some call it charming, others (cough, cough MEGHAN) don't share the same sentiment.

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  10. This is definitely one of your best ever!

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  11. Funniest blog ever.

    And Kristie, your bickering was charming for the first 8 years and thennn...jk love you guys!

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