12/14/10

Life, right now.

I am late to work, so I am running out of the apartment. I am leaving behind my phone, or keys, or wallet. I am forgetting to to make my bed.

I am saying "fuck it" to the subway, I am making excuses, I am too ill to ride public transportation. I am taking cabs, too many cabs, I am telling them 22nd between 5th and 6th, YES, I said 22nd, no, not 27th. Two-two. Twenty second. Thank you. 


I am watching the meter rise. I am riding up the elevator. I am sliding into work as quietly as possible. I am working, I am reading, I am getting a headache. I flirt with coffee. I don't drink coffee, but I am drinking coffee now.

I'm watching the hours unfold in reverse and I read human interest stories, over and over. I update. I check. I read. I work. I lay my head on my desk. I whine. I talk to my friends, the days move slowly, I am telling myself that this is the best I can do.

I leave work and I walk on ice patches. I dash into traffic without looking up, I am invincible, I cannot move and I am throwing up now, on the side of the street. I am looked at, approached, worried about. 

I come home. I watch fake shows and I don't read enough. I don't write enough. I am worried, I am not, I am fine.

People call me and I don't answer. I write down words: asshole, inconsiderate, incorrigible, awful. I look at these words and I want to embrace them fully and become them, completely.

I am back four days and gone two. I am doing my best and failing, wildly, for everyone to see. I am sneezing into toilet paper and wishing this was fiction, wrapped in cotton, not real.

I hibernate. I put on Christmas music. I talk to strangers instead of friends.

I fall asleep. I breathe through my mouth. I hug the toilet. I think optimistically. I run out of space on the floor.

I resist this life. I embrace it.

I live it.

12 comments:

  1. Worried about you. This does not sound good. Not sure if it's the Lupus or just sickness, but please take care of yourself. Even though I'm super old (compared to you), I am living my lifelong NYC dream through your blog. Hang in there, my friend

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  2. Thanks, Kim. Just going through a bit of a rough patch, I'll be fine! xx

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  3. Holy shit. Just found your blog and am blown away.

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  4. You can have one to one chat with strangers on Tohla ! http://www.tohla.com

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  5. I don't' know you but I am constantly blown away by your insight and what you put up with. Hang in there.

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  6. this writing is superb, best you've done in my opinion. i have chills. it's more like poetry.

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  7. Praying for a better 2011 for you.

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  8. I love this post... the writing style is perfect for what you are trying to say

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  9. I'm a stranger? SAD. ;)
    But, I get it...

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  10. This is so beautiful. I LOVE love love this post. Hoping the best for you & happy times to drowned out the hard ones always.

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  11. Great post. Love the voice here. Nice work!

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