Fuck it, I wanna go home.
But before I do, here's 10 easy steps on how to avoid shame and suspicion at the hospital.
1. In a fit of boredom, try to use medical tape to wax your armpits. It does not work, and you will be forced to call for ice.
2. Pray for a quieter roommate, because then she'll be discharged and you'll be stuck with yet another octogenarian who stares at your boxer briefs in disgust.
3. Try to go to the bathroom while on a hefty dose of Dialudid and Morphine. You will think an attempt to pee in the men's urinal is a fun thing to try, but the embarrassing clean up is no laughing matter.
4. Pull out your own IV because you want to see if you can put it back in, due to your "education" from all those ER episodes. You cannot, and your hand will be forced to be used to feed you, leaving your misshapen claw looking like this.
5. Cry about your lack of bowel moments because "it's keeping the rest of my depression weight on."
6. Text your exes under the influence of pain meds. Messages that read " I wanna funkck summer" will not be construed as the attempted: "I want to have some platonic, well-lit fun this summer!"
7. Don't write a blog and then attempt to check it in the hospital, because you will be forced to see the truth about the illegal, unethical life you live. (Rude.)
8. Play "basketball" by shooting open packs of jello and pudding into a trashcan. The look on the room aides (mother's) face will haunt you as they scrub gelatin and chocolate from the floor.
9. Ask the X-Ray tech if he can see your nipples in an X-ray. He will be insulted. But I'm pretty sure he peeks.
10. Play the Muppets soundtrack on Spotify for a calming reminder of your long-gone childhood. The hot new residents will enter and begin to scribble hasty psych ward transfers just as you are hitting the high notes on "The Rainbow Connection," oblivious to their stares.
Thanks for you continued support of this here illegal blog. Your comments have made my day a little brighter.
Love and other drugs,
Kelly "The Illegal Bergin"