7/5/12

Hospital Bloggin', Per Usual

It's 3:30 on the day after the fourth of July. This is the third year I have been hospitalized on this exact date. (See July archives to check if I'm right!)

I am pumped full of steroids right now and the psychosis that they cause is absolutely terrifying.

As I attempt to sleep, impossibly real images flood my brain. A family member, head cracked and bleeding on the ground. My friends, unaware of the truck barreling towards then. And me, screaming with no words to come out.

In each bizarre pre-sleep dream, I am helpless. I am flailing.

The most common image this drug seems to recall is a time a few years back for a similar issue. My body was splayed out on the hospital bed and I knew I was very ill. The nurses called the doctors in and my body was pushed full of medicines. The needles poked my body without warning. They held my hands back as I flailed.

I was pinned. I was out of control.

* * *

I have tried very hard to regain control of my life since I moved back to California in January. I've made changes in real and serious ways. I'm beginning to train for a half marathon. I have tried to take control
, to follow the leader and to let that leader be me.

I cannot stress how grateful I am to all those who stuck by me back when I fucking sucked. Even more so, I'm grateful to you, the ones who didn't let me off the hook. Who gave me shit and then said "There's something you may want to think about."

I wouldn't have had a blissful 3 months without a flare-up if I hadn't indeed made those changes.

But this is a step back. This is a reminder I am not in control of the diseases that plague me. This is a reminder that for the rest of my life, I will have to fight for that control. I'll have to keep doing what I am doing, even though it pains me to know that I will never truly be fixed.

Tonight, I am pinned. All I can do is take a deep breath and pay attention.


To be here, now.




20 comments:

  1. Shit Kel you know how to make me cry

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  2. I applaud the changes you are making and glad you have seen some results... In some ways now the contrast is starker when you have a flareup. I have no words but to say that I hope this one is brought under control and sorry that it's happening. You have many people supporting you who think you are very special for dealing with this the way you do.

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    1. Thanks. That means a lot. So much more work to be done but I'm trying.

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  3. Very touching, Kel. Keep sharing.

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  4. You're in my thoughts.

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  5. I was proud of the woman you were even when you did things that sucked (like drink whiskey) and I'm proud of the woman you are now that you don't suck.

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  6. It totally sucks, but your perspective is what makes you who you are and you define yourself. Whatever I can do to help, I'm here. We love you, Kel. xx Julie and Violet

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  7. As an RN, I see sick people at work and feel sad and wonder why things happen the way they do and how patients manage and cope with their illnesses. When I met you, I would not even have known the severity of your experiences had you not shared. You have such a great attitude about it and I wonder how someone my age can face such an obstacle in her daily life and be the person she is..positive and smiling. I put myself in your shoes with this blog entry and cannot imagine going through what you have to deal with. But when you put yourself out there in the way that you do- in person and on this blog- I see the strength that I admire and I don't think many people posses. Just wanted you to know.

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    1. Natalia, this meant so much to me, I got goosebumps. Thanks so much and congrats on the new baby! You're going to be an excellent mama.

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  8. Go Kelly, go, go go!

    Also, never forget to ask for help.

    xoxoxx

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  9. Thinking of you, Kelly. I'm glad to hear about the changes you've made and that you had some good months. Hope you're out of the hospital soon. Much love.

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  10. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm with Lisa though, in applauding the positive changes you've made. I'm hoping your recovery is quick and you're back to preparing for that marathon. But even if you don't make that milestone, you have something many don't: an awareness and ability to reflect. Well done you!

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  11. Thinking of you and wish I could send you a sound bite of me doing some jokes or something.
    You are a very strong force and an amazing person -- sick sucks.
    Peace for you.

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  12. "I cannot stress how grateful I am to all those who stuck by me back when I fucking sucked."

    I have a couple of these and it really means so much. The kind of comfort you can have in a friendship knowing that nothing you do and nothing that happens to you (or to them) will be too much. You change and they change and they are still there.

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  13. life should be like the beach in the summer- i hope they serve beer in the ER lol feel better kel

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  14. Hang in there girl. Keep writing. Its a good outlet. Congrats on the changes you've made in your life but you are correct. You have to keep fighting like hell and make changes as they are needed.

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  15. Your words have really lifted me up. Thank you.

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