8/11/09

Since My Brenna Left Me

My roommate has gone and left me.

Yes, it's true. She's gone, baby, gone.

I didn't even get a "bye, bye, bye".

She claims she's coming back. But that was weeks ago.

She stole my heart and my True Blood Season 1 DVDs.

Oh, the pain.

Since she's been gone (note: this post will be littered with pop song references. I listen to Z100 sometimes, SO SUE ME!), things have fallen apart.

I have decided to write her an open letter (like Candy Spelling!) to guarantee her return.

Dear Brenna,

Please come back. Things aren't good around here without you. I know our fish died, and I know it was my fault because I made fun of him, but that doesn't mean that we should split up. I need you back. I need you back.

In a plea for your return, I have documented a very real and very sad scene that occurred last week after work.

The following is a scene from last week.

INT-BROOKLYN APARTMENT. KITCHEN IS LITTERED WITH DISHES AND STACKS OF UNPAID BILLS. ENTER-CHARMING AND ATTRACTIVE 23 YEAR OLD WOMAN. SHE IS FLUSTERED AND SWEATING.

KELLY (to herself)
OMG, It's so hot in here. I wish Brenna were here so I could ask her how to put on her A/C.
I wish she answered text messages or calls.

KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE KITCHEN SINK AND DRINKS DIRECTLY OUT OF THE FAUCET

KELLY (to herself, always to herself)
Man, I wish Brenna were here to fill up the Brita.

KELLY LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES THERE ARE FRUIT FLIES EVERYWHERE

KELLY
(screeching)
AAAH! Bugs! I hate bugs!!

SHE RUNS TO THE SINK AND BEGINS THROWING WATER IN THE AIR. SHE GETS SOAKED.

KELLY
AAAH! I need Brenna! I need Brenna! Why are their fruit flies everywhere? I don’t eat FRUIT! Can they come from Gushers??? Ah!!

KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH, LAYS DOWN IN HER WORK CLOTHES AND FALLS ASLEEP. SHE WAKES UP TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

KELLY
I guess I should make dinner since Brenna’s not here to make me fun Arthur shapes Mac and Cheese. Ooh, I think I have Easy Mac!

KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE CABINET AND REALIZES SHE IS TOO SHORT TO REACH IT. SHE GETS THE STOOL. SHE IS STILL TOO SHORT. SHE GRABS THE BROOM TO KNOCK DOWN HER FOOD.

KELLY
If Brenna were here, she could reach this for me!

KELLY BEGINS TO GRUNT AS SHE TRIES TO MANUEVER THE BROOM TO KNOCK DOWN THE BOX OF EASY MAC. WHILE DOING THIS, SHE FALLS OFF THE STOOL TWICE AND SWALLOWS A FLY.

KELLY
Ugh, this Mac and Cheese better be good.

FINALLY, SHE KNOCKS DOWN THE BOX. IN HER EXCITEMENT, SHE FALLS OFF THE STOOL FOR A THIRD TIME.

KELLY
VICTORY!

KELLY OPENS THE BOX.

KELLY
Nooo!! There’s no more left!

SHE BEGINS TO WAIL, AND RUNS AROUND THE APARTMENT, BANGING ON THE WALLS IN PAIN. SHE STRIPS DOWN TO HER UNDERWEAR AND BRA AND FLINGS HERSELF ONTO THE COUCH, WHERE SHE CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP.

END SCENE.


Don't make me send Bill Clinton up to Boston to retrieve you like he did with those two Asian chicks.

Come back.

Love,

Kelly

15 comments:

  1. You should write for Tv. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  2. hahaha....if you need me to bring you some easy mac I can...and if you want me to get it down for you I can do that as well. It's like when brenna used to disappear from bars, but worse.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ew. Brenna, come home. I don't want to end up like Kelly. I don't know how much longer I can keep my clothes on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahaha, Gina and I posted at the same time so I didn't see hers. It is the ultimate Irish Exit!

    ReplyDelete
  5. So funny I think I almost died from a hilarity attack. When you are famous you MUST still be my friend. I could be your assistant, I’m pretty good at it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You forgot to mention that instead of the mac n cheese, you were forced to have 2 stale oreos and wine for dinner.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Now I know what to get you for a house warming gift. Bug spray, a case of mac and cheese-not to mention some airheads for dessert, and a taller ladder.

    ReplyDelete
  8. 9.0....
    "KPB. Very Funny."
    This was one of my favorites. Top 5 for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  9. aw i used to love airheads!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't know why I put that in quotes. I mean, I'm the one that said it. Gratuitous quotation marks.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Gen--it's weird when we comment at the same time or talk at the same time or live the same lives, but I guess that's what happens after almost 9 but not quite 9 years of friendship.

    ReplyDelete
  12. One of your best...

    ReplyDelete
  13. really putting that script maker software to work huh?


    good stuff though.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete