They are as follows:
1. Stop getting hit by cabs and falling all over cobblestone streets. My knees are bloody, my confidence shaken, my dignity destroyed.
2. To stop only being extremely, brutally honest when I'm drunk. I've found out Rachel will still hit me even though the ball is dropping and people are celebrating and hugging and we're in the middle of a bar on New Year's Eve.
3. Change my socks more often. The smell...it's not so good.
4. Exercise. I hear it's good for you? (I don't know about this one. I really hate to move. You know what's great? Laying in bed.)
5. Watch less television, read more about history and stuff. I love to read, but my picks are usually of the post-modern variety (or Princess Diaries, whatever, I'M NOT TOO OLD). Or memoirs. I love hearing about people's messed up lives. It'd be good to know stuff about the world...like what WAS the War of 1812? I mean do you know? You probably know. I should probably know this.
What are your New Year's Resolutions? I know it's a little late...and you've probably already broken 'em, but give it a chance. You CAN change! You can lose 50 lbs this year! Look at Star Jones! Look at that guy Jared from the Subway commercials.
This is your year, I can feel it.