I've mentioned before the phantom dreams that haunt me when my body is under attack and my adrenal system is pumped full of steroids. It's the moments between consciousness and unconsciousness, when I'm aware that I'm dreaming but I'm not fully able to stop.
Tonight I was dragged under–and that's how it feels, dragged under the rip tide with no way to swim out–and my half dreams were more vivid than usual. I heard the little girls laughing, pulling me off the couch to get up and play. And I saw them playing ahead of me at the lake, but I couldn't join them. Eventually they no longer saw me; they forgot I was ever there.
As I fell more deeply into sleep, more images appeared, almost too quickly for me to see. My friends, dancing at my favorite bar in Brooklyn; my camp friends at our race in Denver. Again, the further I got pulled into sleep, the less of a participant I became. They couldn't see me. They couldn't hear me yelling, asking to them to wait up.
In real life, I have missed many milestones and inside jokes because I wasn't there, because I was sick. I have come to peace with it but I still hate missing things. I still fear slipping away.
These dreams are nightmares. These dreams are loss.
haunting.
ReplyDeleteVivid and powerful, Kel.
ReplyDeleteooooooh I hate that you have this. HATE.
ReplyDeleteI bought a pair of nike shoes for my boyfriend at this online store.cheap nike air vapormax The quality is very good, the style of sports shoes is very like, it is very worth buying, there are many famous designer brand replicas, cheap nike lunarepic flyknit gs we are sure that it has high quality and appearance.
ReplyDeleteI bought it for my husband. It’s summer, I just need a pair of sunglasses,cheap ray-ban sunglasses I bought it when I saw the activity. There are not many men's sunglasses brands. Ray-Ban is my favorite. It is not fancy. The logo is also very small. It looks very representative.cheap ray-ban new wayfarer It is the glasses of their family. Husband is super like, happy.
ReplyDeleteSuggerimenti per l'acquisto di una copia qui.repliche orologi rolex Le persone trascorrono molto tempo a cercare su Internet, e qui ci sono molte copie di famosi marchi di stilisti e possiamo essere certi che siano di alta qualità e qualità premium. Questa è la prima volta che acquisto un orologio replica.repliche date orologi Questo orologio mi ha sorpreso. I colori sono molto discreti e la qualità è molto buona. a buon mercato
ReplyDelete