in the thick of the pain (the smashing of hands into walls, the vomiting from its intensity, the dealing of what is utterly unfixable)...
i must remember what makes me whole.
i don't have a choice when it comes to this life.
i have been doing this a long time.
i sometimes wonder if i'd be happier without all this––these twice monthly bouts of ulcers and the nasty side effects of prednisone--
and i find the answer is a simple no.
if i did not know this pain,
if i had not known it my entire life,
i would not appreciate the things that the healthy do not.
i would be annoyed more easily.
i would hate more.
the joy i see
because of what i don't get to see...
it makes me whole.
i am not grateful for this disease, no.
but i am grateful to have this perspective. to have earned it.
i am proud that i am not bitter anymore.