real time ramblings

in the thick of the pain (the smashing of hands into walls, the vomiting from its intensity, the dealing of what is utterly unfixable)...

i must remember what makes me whole.

i don't have a choice when it comes to this life.
i have been doing this a long time.

i sometimes wonder if i'd be happier without all this––these twice monthly bouts of ulcers and the nasty side effects of prednisone--

and i find the answer is a simple no.

if i did not know this pain,
if i had not known it my entire life,

i would not appreciate the things that the healthy do not.
i would be annoyed more easily.
i would hate more.

the joy i see
because of what i don't get to see...

it makes me whole.

i am not grateful for this disease, no.
but i am grateful to have this perspective. to have earned it.

i am proud that i am not bitter anymore.


  1. God you are so brave and strong! You need to write a book and show strength that you have with a chronic disease.There are not many books on this and I am sure many will relate. Start writing!

  2. You've come a long way. I'm glad you're my sister.

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