7/8/11

Hospital bloggin

This post brought to you by Morphine, official sponsor of Kelly's delusions.

On Wednesday, after a week of debilitating mouth sores and fever, I threw myself into a cab and booked it to the ER. I'm no amateur so I made sure to pack the trinity of Loserdom: my Kindle, iPhone and iPad. Chargers nestled into my bag, I headed uptown in search of Morphine and a possible foreign exchange doctor whom I would make my husband. (The less English they speak, the more likely they are to laugh at my jokes. Plus I could convince them that rubbing my dogs--feet--is an American marital tradition.)

I spent 5 hours in the ER, tweeting my misery and informing dimwit interns not to send me to fast track because they will eventually admit me. I was correct. Eventually I was escorted to my room, where I realized that my following ad in the Times paid off. See below:

Are you an elderly woman, half deaf and surprisingly malicious? Do you havE an obsession with Nancy Grace? Are you enthralled with every possible reason Miss Casey Anthony was acquitted? Do you, like the defendant, enjoy screaming at your children and young and beautiful roommate, who reminds me of your younger vibrant self? Well then ma'am, do we have a room for you! Join roommate Kelly Bergin as we spend three days together in complete and utter misery. Never mind her uncontrollable fever, migraine and high blood sugar? She would just LOVE to hear Nancy Grace's rant on repeat 24/7!

After 18 hours with Esther,(the name I gave her) she requested a room change. I suppose she didn't think my dressing attire: underwear and a t shirt was appropriate. How was I to know her son would gape at me as if I was some sort of short-legged pariah? As she packed up her stuff, I turned and yelled "Later rooms!!

She was not pleased. (Note: I am usually sympathetic to the elderly. But I've been in this position more times than the average octogenarian. I'm all for rudeness, but save that for your personal family, for Chrissakes! Also: Sorry Red.)

After she left, I failed a routine neurological exam, assuring myself I had MS/Parkinson's. (See previous post) Tomorrow, they'll rule out a brain tumor or an absorbed twin, but for now I'm taking triple dose of Xanax to ensure mental stability. I'm also taking suggestions for the name of my absorbed twin. I think Kelly the II sounds nice.

Then they tested my blood sugar, which came in at a whopping 400. If I get diabetes, I'm...gonna find a fucking cure. Because Girlfriend do not live without milkshakes and white Zinfandel. Quality of life, people.

Tomorrow I hope to be discharged, unless they're sawing my brain in half or delivering Kelly the II.

Till then, dear well-wishers.

Kelly "Lupe! There It Is" Bergin

19 comments:

  1. Omg feel better

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  2. U are hilarious, even when in pain. Keep it up but GET BETTER!!!!

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  3. Not diabetes, just stress. Sending you love. xxx

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  4. I thought "Rooms" was reserved for Alex! You're cheating on us.

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  5. Allison Winn ScotchJuly 8, 2011 at 9:01 AM

    Get well!!! Sending you love, just like JK.

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  6. Oh Kelly. So sorry to hear you're in the hospital. I hope you're back on your feet very soon. You're hilarious. Esther sounds like a bitch.

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  7. I REALLY hope you have an absorbed twin. With that and your tiny hands you'd be a shoo in at a traveling circus!
    Feel better pal.

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  8. I can't believe your roommate requested a room change. Tell Esther I lived with you for years and she needs to man up! Seeing you in Old Navy kids underwear is a small price to pay to have a bottomless pit of comedy at your disposal!

    Hope you get out today! <3

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  9. An Ipad is now part of the trinity of loserdom ?! You better not have bought it yourself, you need to be saving for Cali ! Good stuff, feel better love bug

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  10. I vote for Kelly Jr. Jr. I realize there is no Kelly Jr. yet but still. I think it's got a nice ring to it.

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  11. FEEL BETTER DOLLFACE! Thinking of you and sending you healing vibes (<--whatever that means). xoxoxo

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  12. esther doesn't know what she's missin ...hope youre better and outta there today! xo

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  13. Very hilarious. If only we could find humor in every situation. Thanks for the great writing.

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  14. Bechets. Have them look at Bechets.

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  15. My sister was hoping they'd find Casey Anthony innocent just so Nancy Grace's head would explode!!! Anyhoo...even from your bed of pain, (or bed of drugged stupefication), you continue to be insightful, funny, and a GREAT writer. I know you've been sprung, but I hope you're actually feeling better. XOXO

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