July 5, 2010

On the Fourth, the sparklers lit around me and I was happy.
On the Fifth, I dashed down the stairs, out of the loft, into a heat so sure it felt permanent. Like I might feel this way forever, I might be this hot always. Forever, the sun lights up my skin.
The car was unlocked so I got in and waited for the Other Two to come down and drive me home. 8:30 AM on the 5th of July is an ugly, ugly place.
The ride home was the ride home: Gen was still drunk and Meghan was driving so I mostly told my story of the night before and we exchanged words--OMG, I can’t believe that happened, that’s crazy, I love the Fourth, God Bless Peach Vodka and Sweet Tea!. 
When I got home I went straight to bed and stayed there for a good, long time. My head filled with simple, self-loathing. I fought with my parents, but only inside my head. I listened to the sad songs, but not aloud. I wallowed for hours and felt bad for wallowing and why am I not stronger?  I typed and typed and called myself stupid because I am and when will I grow up?
The hangovers hit me worse than they used to. (Is this adulthood?) I am so often depressed the morning after. Alcohol burns. Even if the night before was bliss, the morning after I want to literally die.
It’s not good for me anymore, I realized on July 5, 2010. I am not going to stop drinking but I am going to feel through the days and realize when I should and should not take a sip.
Because self-awareness is all I have. Because getting to the root of my problems is the only choice I have if I want to live healthily.
No one said living with a disease is easy. No one said life is easy. But if I want to live forever—oh, how I want to live forever—I will do a better job of keeping sane. 
I will be better. Forever.


  1. I love the way you write. Please keep it up!

  2. hi, i never comment but i really like this piece. my advice: do what's best for you.

  3. Quitting might help your health! Like Jamie said, do what you think is best.

  4. Kelly, only you know what is best. We are all here to support you no matter what.

    I thought that some of this was really inspired and funny despite the seriousness.

  5. My hangovers are really bad now. I think my liver is pissed off at me from college still. I throw up every time I drink just a little too much :/

  6. oh yeah, i am such a puker.

  7. Such nice writing. My friend, it's been a long time since I had a hangover, but I can still vividly recall how excruciatingly awful they are. And, in retrospect, so not worth it. You should definitely do what you want, no judgment, but your body will probably thank you. :)

  8. Not puking but you know my thoughts/feelings on the matter. Love you!

  9. Very honest and heartfelt. I'm always amazed how bad alcohol makes me feel the day after, too. Do what's best for you, looks like you have lots of support.