It's More Than A Feeling

Go with your gut. Trust your gut. Follow your gut. You'll know what to do.
I am in a time of transition, a time of openness and willingness. This is something I know and feel honestly, for the first time ever. And because I have ignored the suggestions for so long--from family, from friends, from readers of this here blog--I am consciously listening to what people say. And you all say a lot: 

Cut gluten. Cut carbs. Cut meat. Become a nudist! Meditate daily, go to yoga, try Pilates, walk, sing in the shower, eat flowers, don't eat flowers, jump on your bed, go meet the Pope...

MAN, the things I am now willing to try! If you'd told me a year ago that I'd have thrown out all my sugary crap food and abandoned bagels for...not bagels...I'd have laughed in your face. I'd have told you that it's not fair: I've given up so much, why do I have to give up more. I'd whine: Why can't I be like everyone else, just a little? Why can't I be irresponsible for a little bit longer?

But let's get real: I was irresponsible for long enough. I was frustrating for long enough. I had my shitty food and I had misery. I had my alcohol and I was a terrible version of myself.

So now I am open. Wide open to healers and acupuncture. To burning moxa on my skin. To cupping. To whatever Gwyneth Paltrow is selling. Pass me the fucking pipe, man, because I'm smoking it.

There are so many conflicting options, though. I reckon it'd be difficult to be a vegan and consume a paleo diet at the same time.

I brought this up with my therapist, after I broke down listening to another opinion.

Go with your gut, she told me. But I never really had a gut. It was fed with medication because I was sick at 10 months old. It got amped up on drugs and steroids and so my gut, or whatever knew what felt good and didn't, is, in some ways, lost to me. It has no diary to tell me what drugs worked or what didn't. It's exhausted and overdone.

I do know that the last time I felt good for an extended period of time, I lived in Los Angeles, right next to a mountain, with a trail I hiked every day for 32 days straight before I flew back East. I know the last time I felt clean, I was in a forest in Hawaii, hiking toward a cold waterfall. I was swimming in the ocean.

As much as I want to flee again to places where this is a daily possibility, I cannot. I've had three hospitalizations in three months. I have to build health here, because I have to accept that this is home. It doesn't have to be forever, but this apartment in the carriage house on my parents' property will always be home base. I need my family to help me and I need my niece to ground me.

Because there is still so much acceptance to work toward. There is still a gut to unclutter.

I know that I can continue to do nothing. I can lie here. I can say I’m recovering, but it’s not recovery if I’m just anticipating the next disaster to strike.

And so that is why I have started. That is why I'm in search of my gut, and cautiously toying with the idea of better. 

And I'm actually doing some of this crazy shit. 

Because It’s mid-January of this newest year and I’m sure now that if I don’t act, I will waste my life in this bed.

And that would be terrible, you know. Terrible to waste this life, any longer.


I'm already working with a team I am beginning to trust, but throw me your suggestions. Nothing can hurt. Tell me where you feel good. Tell me about apple cider vinegar. Show me your gut. Let's share our insides. Let's get better, together.

Thank you.



  1. Drink water! I have been drinking 100 ounces a day and my skin feels AWESOME. so i only imagine( and hope) what its doing on the inside.
    I try to follow a vegan diet at home but when out to eat I allow myself whatever the damn well I please. I think moderation really is key to a happy healthy life.
    Good luck and I really hope 2014 is your most powerful & healthy yet.

  2. Kelly, so many moments here made me smile. You have such a wondrous way with words that is all your own. I know you'll find your gut, your instincts, because your instinctive voice is already so clear in your writing. Carry on with confidence, my friend! XO

  3. I think the #1 and easiest thing you can do to feel better is to drink plenty of water. Opinions differ on how much is plenty--so I say just have a nice glass of water handy all the time and sip from it often. I thought water was way too boring when I was young. I had headaches every day in my twenties. Once I started drinking water, headaches became rare.

    I think the #2 thing is to go outside as near to every day as you can manage. You seem to be a beach person like me, so getting to the beach is like going outside x 45--but being outside is good for things you might not even know are wrong.

    The #3 thing (this ranking is merely the order in which things occur to me) be kind to yourself. If you overhear part of your mind beating you up for something, derail that.

    Best best wishes on your journey.

  4. You are on the right path and I sense that you know it too. Wishing you well and I believe you can do it!

  5. Take it one step at a time. Eliminate a bad habit and start a good one every day. If you keep doing this, you'll be on a pace to make some sustaining changes in your life.

  6. It never works when I push myself too hard. Rest is still helpful, though it feels like failure sometimes. Also, I tried an elimination diet that helped me: no dairy/wheat/sugar/soy/corn/alcohol or caffeine. Sounds crazy but it helped me get back on track. I have issues with sugar addiction. This stuff can be tricky.

  7. First of all you write really really well. Secondly, in my opinion, listening to my gut gets easier the more I do it. You may like a book by Brian Alman called "the voice". It's on Amazon. Thirdly keep writing. Because it's a gift to us all. Thanks.

  8. hmmm my gut tells me to dance and sing a lot. it tells me -all the time- to let go and hang glide through the rain forest. I don't actually do this thing and I never have but the thought of it makes me smile and that changes me at a cellular level. I think we are at our best when we are listening. I don't think there is one right way or another but that things shift all the time and that our gut is what helps us be who we are even in the storm. Even when we are not aware, it is our center.