The Thing I Never Say

I went away with my friends for the weekend, a big gaggle of them, friends I have known for 7 and 10 and 12 and 0 years. We rented a cabin in the Poconos and at one point I laughed so hard I didn't think I would recover.

Did I ever tell you that illness is addicting? That it can be a crutch? That it is a way to stay inside all the time because it can be justified?

I never had social anxiety. I was voted class clown. I have always been open and social and easy to talk to.

When I got sicker after I finished cancer treatment, I got depressed. For years. For years I was depressed and drank so much and apologized and stayed inside. I have spent years of my time inside.

When I got to the cabin, I was hit with anxiety. I took half a Xanax to relax around friends who I'd happily call family. By the end of my weekend, I couldn't believe I was panicking that I'd forgotten how to be the me I always was and always will be. That for my entire drive there (3+ hours alone in a car blasting Lyle Lovett), I worried everyone had moved on and changed and I had stayed inside too long.

Sometimes it's necessary to have a crutch. To stay inside. To take half a Xanax. To sit on a closed toilet seat with your phone in your hand because zoning out feels like comfort.

But we need to be able to walk without the crutch; to drop it and just be.

Because sometimes, you walk toward exactly the right place.


  1. Keep walking toward the right place.
    - jms

  2. Le stylo réplique est très agréable et très habillé de façon tempérament. réplique mont blanc J'aime vraiment cette réplique. Le service en magasin est très bon, la qualité est très bonne et le prix est très rentable,pas cher mont blanc edition muses je pense que c'est très bon marché, de bonne qualité et pas cher