All I Want for Christmas is a...Tooth.

You know how sometimes you're eating a bagel with cream cheese for dinner?

No? You don't eat that either? It's a great dinner.

Anyway, last night I was chowing down on an everything bagel (don't tell my diabetes doc) and I felt a pull.

A tug, if you will.

I screamed: "OMG I THINK MY TOOTH FELL OUT!" Joe rushed behind me to the bathroom, ALL WHILE FAILING TO CONTROL HIS LAUGHTER.

He laughed so hard at me, guys. I would never laugh at him. Sure, I had a chuckle when his computer stopped printing and he acted like someone was trying to assasinate him, but still.

I looked in the bathroom mirror and this horrifying sight befell me:

That's incorrect. It was more like this...

I looked like a meth addict on Intervention. 

So this morning I frantically went to the oral surgeon, who confirmed that the tooth was abscessed and would have landed me in the hospital in a week's time.

Thank GOD for my love of carbohydrates. That bagel saved my life.

After Doctor PullaTooth extracted my fallen incisor, I was sent to a 2nd dentist to make a cast for My New Tooth, coming soon to Kelly's Mouth!

I was so actually so pitied after they read my medical history (love you, cancer) that at the 2nd dentist's office, they gave me their People's Sexiet Man Alive issue. And they are coming in tomorrow to fit me for a fake tooth as I may have lied and said I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time on Thanksgiving.

EITHER WAY, I ain't eating ,my Thanksgiving bird like Billy Bob Berg.

I hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving and keep your teeth where they belong: on the sidewalk after an Irish Catholic family brawl.

Toothlessly yours,

BB Berg.

(PS: I'll be featured on the Huffington Post this week. Billy Bob's gone Hollywood, y'all!)


  1. You are fucking hysterical.

  2. U can make anything funny.

  3. Eat right for your blood type. Look it up. It might be helpful.

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