Kelly California?

Exactly three weeks ago, I arrived at LAX with sixty pounds of overweight baggage and two unnecessary fedoras.

The past three weeks have brought about such change that I could not possibly reflect on it now. The best way to begin writing about an expanse of time that you don’t quite understand yet is to make a list. 

So for you, dear and loyal readers, I have drafted these two little lists as a way to pose the greatest question this blog has ever asked: have I gone California on you?

Ways In Which I Am Different In Los Angeles

1)    I use a toothbrush made from old yogurt containers, because I am trying to be a better person and that means caring for Mother Earth and shopping at Trader Joe’s, a responsible supermarket.

2)    I use toothpaste that tastes like utter shit just because it has no chemicals and that insane Crazy Sexy This Diet Is Going To Kill YOU chick advised us to do so. 2.0!

3)    I run sometimes. Not every day—in fact, I haven’t since Friday but that’s totally because I’m sick and not lazy—but I do run now. And by run, I mean jog while holding my boobs up. The stuff of sports legends.

4)    I signed up for a 5K. A 5K that promotes DARE and NO Drugs! and all this stuff and all I have to say is I’m glad the 5K doesn’t run a drug screen pre-run. (Kidding, everyone! I don't do drugs.)

5)    I’m driving. Sure, it’s Rachel’s car and I have yet to get my own car but I’m driving and it’s with a non-expired license and I went to the DMV all by myself.

6)    While at the DMV, I saw that Jake Gyllenhaal goes to the same DMV as me and I didn’t even screech or ask the cranky DMV lady to take a picture of me next to Jake….’s signed Prince of Persia poster.

Ways In Which I Am Exactly The Same In Los Angeles

1)    I’m working at home, which unfortunately ingrains in me the same exact habits as office bee Kelly 1.0. In case you were wondering what these habits look like, find a YouTube video of a woman spilling coffee down her shirt and watch it on loop.

2)    You know that toothpaste I told you guys about five seconds ago? Yeah, after using that non-toxic crap for three days, I made up an excuse about it not getting my teeth clean enough and threw that shit out. Kelly Two Point NO.

3)    My unhealthy obsession with Hershey’s milk chocolate bars did not magically disappear when I crossed the country. In fact, it’s only gotten worse. I bought a family pack of the bars yesterday that is clearly meant for some family to make s'mores with while they camp and don’t die alone. In other words, they are not meant for me.

4)    Despite my vow to become less sarcastic about life and run toward happiness, I am still as awful as ever. I joked that my running mixtape is my mother’s voice asking me if I’ve gained weight. I made fun of the fact that I often wear my too-tight gym shorts while I run to remind my body why we’re running. I even tweeted that my new CA license picture makes me resemble Rosie O’Donnell. I can’t escape the snark!

5)    I mentioned above about how I’m different because I choose to shop at an environmentally friendly supermarket, but I really went to that Trader Joe’s because I read on Twitter that Jake Gyllenhaal shops there. I WILL MEET HIM.

6)    I had to write out an inspirational quote and tape it over my TV today so I could get some work done/write this blog.

So--does Kelly 2.0 really live in Los Angeles, or is this just a slightly more likely to get skin cancer tanner version of Kelly 1.0?

Do tell.


  1. Maybe we'll give you a 1.5?

  2. yess i am so going to make a similar running tape!

  3. I think L.A. could use some classic Kelly 1.0! Stay gold, Pony Boy.

  4. Remind me to recount the tale of that time I verbally molested Jake Gyllenhaal at a book party for Alice Waters (what?!). I FOLLOWED HIM AROUND LIKE A PUPPY/STALKER. Also, there was chocolate.

  5. Hilarious. You go girl.

  6. OMG, you saw him? Jake? This blog makes it seem like I have stalkerish tendencies.

    Which I totally don't.

    Just don't ask Zac Hanson.