4/27/10

this is just how it is.

last week i was tripping all over the wires and wednesday i broke free, out of that small, crowded room with a screaming roommate and a pain so visceral i cringed.

the middle of it all is okay because i don't have a choice but to live it. it is now, afterward, when i can do nothing else but remember it.

everything i understood left me when i took out my IV and discharged myself.

what remains is a blank space where all the things i can do, wanted to do, have disappeared.

when i came home, the phone was ringing off the hook. the screen was filled with one, two, three four text messages.

a stranger asks how i am feeling and i can talk to them. i spit scientific facts, details, banalities.

i know what to say to them. i am just a name on a chart.

but to the ones i love, i send out the mass text messages and forget to return calls.

i hibernate, because i don't want to explain why instead of feeling better, i feel worse.

i am grateful for this flood of support, for all the ears straining to hear my complaints, for all those whose arms are outstretched, just waiting to help.

but i don't want to be like this anymore.

i would like to walk ten miles and only complain about two.

i want to understand more than just the prick of the needle, the instantaneous pain.

i want to know what happens after.

i took out my IV myself, so why can't i do more?

all i know is this: i want to go home.

with that hand on my back, with the curtains drawn.

no expectation. no explanation.

no need to do anything at all except sleep,

sleep,

sleep.

8 comments:

  1. I really like this. Good work.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love it, I wish you never got sick :( But you would totally complain about the last 4 miles, not 2.


    C-ya Soon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. well said and i wish it would all change.

    ReplyDelete
  4. stop making me cry. i just dropped the hubs off for an extended peroid of time at sea! i don't need help crying.

    sometimes life runs us over and its ok to just want to sleep. now stop being so emo. i'm so excited to see yoooooooooooou

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is just how it is, This line make topic. Don't know how to understand such pages because it have more difficult note and no one can keep trying to find rushessay.com review. What is be really necessary for these pages where you can see topic like this.

    ReplyDelete