Upload new pic? YES, PLEASE.


This is a post about how I spend way too much time stalking people online (and sometimes in real life) and how I have to write 500 words about the different kinds of pictures people use as their Facebook defaults so that I can kill time between fits of puking at 3 am.

1) "The Looking Hot Pic": This particular type of picture is for when you want your friends/coworkers/exes to see how smokin' hot you look nowadays. This is the kind of picture where, upon first glance, you are like DAYUM, NEW FACEBOOK PIC, NO DOUBT. This is the kind of picture that you pray for every time you hear that click of the shutter. This the hope, the dream, the reason you race over to your friend, grab the digital camera out of their hands and look at the little LCD screen. BOOM, new profile pic, YES.

2) "The Athletic Pic": Almost every Facebook user (i.e. me) spends an inordinate time on the site, looking at pictures of their friend's ugly baby and their ex boyfriend's new gf. We spend hours a day on the Internet, stalking and talking and g chatting until our eyes ache from the computer screen. We rarely admit to this though and that is why this type of profile picture is so handy. This picture, whether we are skiing, playing company softball or Ultimate Frisbee, shows that sometimes we go outside and exercise. That we do more than surf the Internet and watch Christian the Lion. That we exist outside the Internet. This pic says see you on the green, motherfucker. I'll be the one with the Frisbee.

3) "The I Like To Travel Pic": Have you been to Acapulco? Switzerland? Bombay? Well I haven't, but I've been to St. Maarten, LA, Paris, London, Colorado and Other Places recently and you can tell by clicking through my profile pictures. It's all there baby, all you need to know--I travel, I'm smart, I CARRY ON BAGS, and I can even say hi in French. Oui, oui, mo-fo.

4) "The I'm Kooky and You Love Me Pic": So you've established that you're good-looking, atheltic and a world traveler. Now it's time to show your friends how lovable and adorable you are. This is what the "kooky" pic is for. Have you kissed a statue? Made out with a bottle of Cool Whip? Danced with a mannequin? Well make sure you get that shit on JPEG, because you are going to want a kooky pic sometime in your facebook career. Kooky pics say "I'm fun and not crippled by depression!" They say "Hey, look guys! I'm off the Lexapro!" They urge your friends to remember how fun you are, or how fun you used to be. This pic screams: "I was alive once!"

Ha, funny story. I was going to write about how people always have stupid pictures of their cute/ugly kids and husbands and boyfriends and then I looked through my Facebook pictures for my own examples and realized I had none of those things and probably never would. And then I got hit with a crippling depression and took a Xanax.
The End.


  1. This is one of my favorites! I'm laughing out loud. I think I said DAYUM when I saw that pic of you.

  2. You have cute pictures of your fake nieces though.

    Also, Christian the Lion- thanks I spit out my cereal reading that.

  3. Where is that baby pool, I wish I was there right now..

  4. xanax is for anxiety.

  5. Ohhh Kelly. It's scary how true your words are.

  6. Xanax is a cure-all.

    Just don't give it to Gen.

    Xanax stole my dignity.

  8. You make me scream. In a good way.

    You are wise beyond your years.

  9. How exciting my pool made it to your blog...love it..

  10. your grandmother reads this please dont curse. besides the curse it was very well done.

  11. BAHAHAH ohh xanax...