I'm Rabbit Sitting This Weekend


Make sure you pet Coolie on the head a lot. HARD! He likes it rough. And talk to him.

The most important thing: if people are over and hanging out for a while, you need to let him run around or he will be miserable. Bunnies are very social creatures and need to feel included so that they don’t become depressed. When you leave, you HAVE to catch him and put him back in his cage. He cannot be left unsupervised or he will eat lead paint and die. When he is out, be sure to keep the door open so he can get back into his cage if he wants to or needs his litter box.

When he is out of his cage: THE BATHROOM DOOR MUST REMAIN CLOSED AND THE KITCHEN GATE MUST BE PUT ACROSS THE GAP. He CANNOT go into the bathroom or kitchen because he will go into my closet and eat my dresses and/or go into the kitchen and eat the electric and/or gas cords and die/ possibly blow up the building. You should keep the bathroom door closed at all times and the gate up as well just so you don’t forget. This is VERY important.

Food: there is food in the plastic bin next to his cage. Just make sure there is always food in his dish.

Water: change his water as much as possible with cold water from the tap. When you arrive change his water, when you leave, change his water. He needs to drink a lot and likes clean water because he is a prissy bitch. If you show up after he has had a temper tantrum and he has thrown his toys in the water, take them out and give him fresh water. If he has put newspaper, food, poop, etc in his water dish b/c he is a brat, flush the stuff down the toilet and give him fresh water. He does need his water changed 1x/day minimum.

Litter box: once a day just throw a handful of clean shavings (in the plastic bin next to his cage) over the poopy ones. This way the apt won’t smell and neither will he.

Newspapers: if he pees or poops on his newspapers, just lay clean ones over the dirty ones (in the plastic bin next to his cage). This way the apt won’t smell and neither will he. Be sure not to cover his toys with the news papers when you do so.

Hay: if you feel so inclined, throw a little handful of clean hay (in the plastic bin next to his cage) into his litter box. He likes to eat it while he poops.

If you have ANY questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to call me at any time of the day or night (I will be awake and probably doing something ridiculous).

Feel free to eat, drink, smoke, etc anything you find in the apt and I will buy some beers for you tonight and leave them in the fridge. If you have a party, send me pics so I don’t feel left out.

Shanks and Alex, make sure Kelly doesn’t get too drunk and forget to take care of Coolie. If he dies, I will never let you forgive yourselves.

If I die in Vegas please make sure Coolie gets safely to my mother. Her name is Kathy and she may be reached at 555-555-5555 (EDITOR'S NOTE: I always wanted to do this to a real phone number like they do on TV or in The Babysitter's Club books.)

Thanks, Muffin! You are the best.



P.S. I’ve copied my brother and sister on this email as witnesses to your responsibilities.


Probably the funniest email I've ever received. Erica is my work BFF and if I kill the only child God/nature would ever give her, I'm going to:

A) Probably get fired
B) Have to put together a rabbit funeral
C) Be around when she cries, which is just awkward.

Wish me luck.


  1. Okay Kelly. I have never read your blog. I didn't know you had one. Holy shit that might the funniest thing i've read in FOREVER! I'm peeing my pants at work right now and cubicle urination is just plan awkward!

    P.S How you doing lady?

  2. That's way more complicated than taking care of Emma.

    Um... good luck?

  3. I had a bunny once as a young boy. My dog ate it. I haven't been the same since. Maybe this Coolie will be the one who saves me. Thanks Kelly!

  4. So many magic trick attempts to occur...

  5. This is fucking hysterical.

    I had no IDEA bunnehs were soooo... BIZARRE.

    Good luck to you!

    If the bunneh should meet its demise, you could try just replacing it with a similar-looking bunn. This is what I did to my child when his parakeet died. He didn't notice, altho he DID point out that "Mr. Chirps sure does tweet alot now!"

  6. I too like to munch on hay while I poop!

  7. As kellys "voice of reason" (which let's face it, isn't too hard to be) I will try to help make sure the rabbit is ok upon your return Erica! Anyways that's the best email I have ever read.

  8. oh goodness kelly. if you don't kill the bunny after this weekend, please don't go out and buy one for yourself. i see how it might be tempting for you, as i can imagine that it gets lonely by yourself and i know how you like to cuddle.

  9. a. patricia, which patricia is this? haha


    c. katie, maybe i'll be the rabbit whisperer like how i'm the baby whisperer! although i doubt that coolie will hold my hand like emma does.

    d. katerz...that might just happen.

  10. I was just thinking about our conversation yesterday on my drive home and thought "Wait, did she say rabbit sitting?" Coolie is doomed.

  11. Party tonight, everybody! Call me!

  12. poor poor erin doesnt know what she has just gotten her bunny into....

    i can see the news headlines now "careless bunny sitter lets bunny eat gas wires, building explodes"

    from, anonymous.

  13. Oh my gosh that was funny. I have a bunny at home, and I miss him terribly!! I leave my little sister by explicative instructions when I go away. Love mah bunneee. :)

    (oh I go to school with Kristie =])

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