Here, dear friends, are the pros/cons of living at home.
1) I never have to do my own laundry! Every morning I wake up, surrounded by clean shirts, socks and pants. Everything smells delicious and brand new, like a newborn babe. When I was living in squalor in Brooklyn, my clothes always smelled like Febreze because for me, Febreze equaled Tide detergent. I've come to learn that they are not, in fact, the same. Yay Mom!
2) Sometimes, when my dad drives me to the train station, he says "Do you have any cash?" and even if I do, (rare) I say "no" and then sometimes, SOMETIMES, he gives me a twenty! For no reason! I think maybe he thinks I have to buy my ticket onboard SO NO ONE TELL HIM. Oh crap.
3) My mom cooks me dinner and even if I don't eat it, it's better than my old meals of Ramen noodles and vodka.
4) I'm saving money living at home. And by saving I mean having extra cash to spend on frivolous items like a mini Razor scooter and Miami and Seattle. WOO!
5) My brother Greg's secret candy stash. Now that he has left for college it's ALL MINE!!! HELLO, CAVITIES! Welcome to my mouth!
While living at home definitely has its "perks", there are some days that make me yearn for my own place.
1) See the following conversation, which occurred when my mom decided to learn about this newfangled device called a hair straightener! Oh Golly!
Mother: Is it...on?
Mother: OW! IT'S ON! IT'S REALLY HOT!
Me: Yes Mom...much like a real iron...it is hot.
Mother: Oh wow, look at my hair!
2) Also, this conversation:
Me: I'm not staying home for dinner.
Mother: Why? I"m making rice!
Me: Yeah...so I'm not staying home for dinner.
Mother: Why not?
Me: BECAUSE REMEMBER WHEN I HAD CANCER AND I COULD ONLY EAT RICE?
Mother: Oh yeah. God, stop playing the cancer card!
3) And this one, too.
Me: Good morning.
Mother: THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WEARING TO WORK??
Me: (wails) YES! (runs upstairs to change)
4) Oh, and this one too.
Father: Are you going to be around tonight?
Me: YES, GOD, I live at home now!!
Father: Can't you...sleep at Meghan's?
Father: But it's Friday night..
Father: So it's date night... and your mother looks damn sexy with that new straight hair...
Me: (emits blood curdling scream) I hate empty nesters!
5) And finally, this one:
Father: So Patty Ann (my mother), should we tell her?
Me: (Frantically scanning my brain to what this could be. Is my mom too old to have a baby? What's menopause???) What?????
Me: WHAT?!! WHAT! WHAAAAT!?!
Father: Since your brother went to college...
Mother: We've been spending a lot of time together...
Me: (gagging) Yes...
Father: Well, we really like being empty nesters.
Mother: So, please.
Father: Find a new apartment soon.
Me: How rude!
Unfortunately for them, I kind of like living at home. I'm a nomad for most of the week, so coming home to my warm bed, with my cable TV and my laptop, with the Reese's peanut butter cups and my cute dog, is kind of nice. Plus hanging with my parents is surprisingly fun. So nice and fun, in fact, that I may even stay for awhile.
Sorry, Mom and Dad!
*= Some details have been changed to protect the innocent and exaggerated to bring the funny.