The Itches

Every so often, my body plans a rebellion against all the medicine, fried food and alcohol I force into it. The Cells gather and have a conference. They decide against mouth sores (we just did that last week!) and go with one of their favorites: let's make her itch. The Cells must have some kind of feud going with my skin, as they are quite likely to attack it. Sometimes it's through a mountain range of perfectly formed zits; other times, it's through the itches.

These aren't your normal, mosquito bite itches. They feel like they are coming from inside, like a plant bud pushing it's way to the surface. They're sudden, and pinching, and itchy as all hell. Clearly whoever coined the phrase "mind over matter" has never had the itches like that. I've meditated, done my "yoga breaths" and even hummed CHURCH songs, but to no avail. (Thanks a lot, Jesus.) They just don't stop.

I would try to figure out which of the pills are making me itch, but stopping one or the other for a couple of days just isn't an option. So I browse Web MD, finding each medicine and reading its side effects. I then make a detour and type in one of my random symptoms in the search bar, just to make sure I'm going to get cancer again. Unfortunately, almost every medicine I take lists "itchiness" as a side effect, so I log off Web Md, and lay in my bed. Still. Very still.

Ten seconds later, I go on my computer, read some inane celebrity tidbit, watch an episode of "Friends" to help me fall asleep, and drift off.

Ten minutes later, my eyes pop open, and I scratch. My arms, my legs, my armpits. No body part is immune to the itch, and sometimes my feet feel like they are being tickled. I DON'T LIKE BEING TICKLED.

At this point I'm ready to scream "UNCLE! MONKEY!" or whatever you say when you want something to really, really stop.

But it doesn't.

And I itch, bitch and twitch until I finally, finally fall asleep.


  1. don't you like oatmeal baths?

  2. i heard if you rub some chinese lo mien all over your body it will stop the itching

  3. Dear 2nd Anonymous Person,

    Thank you. I will try that. Chinese is my favorite food.

    Finally, an Eastern medicine cure!

  4. well thats what happens when you don't take showers kelly.

  5. your posts have been great lately.

  6. Chinese lomein???? I am pretty skeptical about that one. I think someone is pulling your leg and you are falling for it.. Also didn't know you suffered from "the itches"

  7. haha maybe you have an STD. all over your body. and chines lo mein person you rock.