Things I Said While Watching Beauty and the Beast

1. This was totally my favorite movie as a child. I am sure Walt Disney wasn't a misogynist!
2. Aw, look. Misogyny.
3. Gaston: not bad. I'd hit that.
4. Maurice definitely had Alzheimer's, right? Aw.
5. Do NOT go in the wood, dumbass!
6. Belle had a one hell of a case of Stockholm Syndrome.
7. Wait! The Beast is only supposed to be 21 years old!?
8. THAT is four years younger than me...
9. AND MUCH TOO YOUNG TO MARRY!
10. Man, Belle’s hair is better than mine. Them some chestnut locks!
11. Aw, Chip. I totally had a crush on Chip, A CARTOON TEACUP, as a child...
12. Which explains my current crush on our blender, Bob.
13. Oh God. It’s midnight on a Saturday. The wine store is closed!
14. So Belle just falls in love with him even though he kept her captive. Yeah, that's some Patty Hearst shit right there.
15. This is not as romantic as I once thought--
16. OMG, I LOVE THIS SONG!
17. This is the most beautiful movie ever.
18. You know, aside from the Beast’s mullet, and misogyny, and that really scary tower scene...
19. Oh God. I'm going to die alone.