Weird Shit I've Hallucinated While In The Hospital: A New, True-Life Story

Hi guys. I live in California now. It's great.

Okay! Update over.

Last week I moseyed on over to the UCLA ER in Santa Monica for a skin infection called MRSA. I've had it before, I've had my pits ripped open and drained, and I've got stupid non lightning-shaped scars to prove it. I love me some MRSA, man. Just a shitload of pain and then ugly scars.

So I headed in and one thing turned into another and now I'm on my FIFTH day here. And until last night, I hadn't slept more than two consecutive hours. Which I'd almost gotten used to what with all the small children around me, but this lack of sleep has been jarring to say the least. 

Sidebar: here's some tips I have for staying awake when it seems darn near impossible: 1) shake your head vigorously until one of chemically goldened curls gets caught in your eyelash and you MUST stop to look in the mirror and admire you and your natural beautiful hair (narcissism comes in handy here) 2) Drink coffee until vomiting. 3) Eat some Play-Doh; living on the edge will keep you up and excited!

After waking up in what I was convinced was a smoke filled hospital room, I told the doctor I thought I was going nuts. Dr. HotterThanMe shook his own beautiful mane of curls, pulled the bridge down on his top of the line Warby Park's and looked at me, "Listen, kid (ouch). You are at a dangeous level of sleep deprivation. It's THAT, not the Dilaudid. (yeah, okay). Just sleep for a couple hours and ou'll feel brand new..."

NOPE. And while I do feel slightly better today, I'd be remiss not to mention my favourite hallicanations over the past five days.

1) Cindy Crawford! Turns out it was just a woman. I just really wanted to see Cindy Crawford. She looks better than ever. 

2) A huge, monstrous spider that crawled up and down my door as I peed. I was about to scream when I lunged forward to catch it and ended up picking my bare ass off the floor. The spider was but a speck of pain that Maintenance WILL be hearing about.

3) My ability to speak Spanish to my nurse. I was weirdly confident, jumping into a conversation about hombres (?) that I felt I could land a good voice too. I got three words in French before Maria gently rested my head back on the pillow and told me to be quiet now.

4) My room's painting of Mario and Luigi that turned out to just be dumb shells on a dumb beach.

5) A man from Tinder who's messages I've been ignoring. I freaked out for a moment and then he came closer and I realize wait...THAT'S DEFINITELY HIM. His job was to carry my urine to the lab all night, so I'm pretty sure that love match is over.

Excuse the typos. I haven't slept in fourteen hundrend days.

Much love for UCLA Hospital, send all gifts to Claire Bidwell Smith and sorry to everyone who's call, text, facetime, and,uh...visitor's pass that I did not resppond to.

I shall return.


  1. Ugh, Kelly, I'm so sorry. California was supposed to be all positive associations; I'm really sorry you've had to see the inside of an ER, even if there are palm trees through the window (non-hallucinated ones!). Sending love and as much strength as humanly possible.

  2. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for number three. I love you, hope you're out soon! I loled several times which I needed after the way your godson behaved today, lordyyy!

  3. You're funny. Now get the fuck better.

  4. I. Love. This. Love your way...