1) All my laundry is at Kim’s Laundromat and I have been wearing thongs out of desperation, which are clearly meant for Sexy and Attractive People® and not me. They are so supremely uncomfortable it makes me clear on the fact that as women, WE HATE EACH OTHER. We wear these things to impress men? Why? It’s a permanent wedgie!
2) I got an invitation to a wedding shower, which also makes it clear to me that women secretly hate each other. Why would we force each other to sit around, make small talk with elderly relatives, braid a bow out of ribbon and watch our friend slowly morph into the kind of person who squeals over a crock pot? Seriously. Gender roles!
3) There are no sheets on my bed because they are at Kim’s Laundromat and so I’ve been rolling myself like a joint in my comforter, which is in a duvet cover, so about half of the comforter smothers me and the other half makes my body cold. And every time I overheat or shiver, I realize that my domestic skills have plateaued and there’s no hope for the future, not now, not ever.
4) The air conditioning is making my nose bleed and now I’m convinced I’ve become one of those people who get nose bleeds and I’m pretty sure those people, who walk around with tissues stuck in their nostrils and blog about nose bleeds, die alone.
5) It’s 4:26 AM and I’m watching Family Ties. I was going to make a commitment to watch an entire series of a show this summer and also read a Huge and Important Literary Masterpiece. I was going to watch The Wire and read Infinite Jest but now I’m thinking that Family Ties and Judy Blue’s entire Fudge Series might be all I can handle. (Edit: Reading Amazon reviews, it says the publisher changed the books to reflect modern times. This is so depressing that I don’t know if I can make it through the night. Peter Hatcher listens to records, NOT FUCKING MP3s. I mean, why don’t you kill my childhood right now? Why don’t you tell me I was born with testicles and raised as a female or something? Seriously, publisher? YOU ARE EVIL.)
6) At work they talked about summer wear and what we can wear and everything I own is inappropriate so I have to wrap myself in an unmatching cardigan or walk around with a notebook covering my chest. It’s demoralizing. And today I was getting up and my bag got caught in my chair and I flew forward and my bag spilled and Junior Mints went everywhere and everyone saw. Also the Junior Mints exploded in my bag and now everything in my bag is glued together with mint and regret.
7) I still have no new friends at my new job and I think it has to do with #6 and also because I’ve been introduced to 100 people and I have no clue what anyone’s name is. “Kelly, this is Blah Blah. Blah Blah does this.” “Hi Kelly! Nice to meet you!” “You too…appropriately dressed female art director!!”
8) It’s approaching day break. So, please get the tune of “It’s Hammer Time” in your head and join me as I sing…
“IT’S XANAX TIME!”