3/19/10

a word on how i live (because you asked haha just kidding you didn't)

There are many moments that I feel that I have lost because they were not spent living.

They were suspended between my feet on the ground and the air outside. They were not here with me but I was in them anyway, and they floated. They happened, they are over, more will come.

These times are not a judgment on the rest of my life.

But maybe they are and that’s what everyone remembers when they look at me and I’m not laughing.

When I am okay and at work or in the streets or at the bar, I am trying to move around those moments. I am refusing to let them be the words on the paper but instead scratches in the margins. Because I cannot predict when I will be in bed next, I choose to make the times I am awake realized.

I need to feel my way through the days without thinking about what will happen next.

So—I say one life and drink and mess around and make stupid decisions and then I go home and I write and I feel good and happy and manic.

I am trying to live while knowing it can stop. I live for the Tuesdays I get out of bed and go to work but I remember last week when it took an hour to move my leg outside the covers.

I live for what I can know and what I do not.

One life.

6 comments:

  1. Live your life, girl.

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  2. This makes me wanna write.

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  3. Sometimes this is not easy for everyone else to understand because we just want you to be healthy but at the end of the day you answer to yourself. We all do what we need to in order to get through each moment with our sanity in tact. As long as you are happy, I'm good!

    xo

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  4. I love you Kiki. You know yourself better than anyone else. You live your life better than most people I know. Your happiness means the world to me!

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  5. You have a LOT of talent. Keep writing.

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