Retro Blog #1

I recently found my old diary from 1993-2004. I've decided to make a series on my blog with excerpts from the masterpiece of my childhood. All I have to say is that not much has changed since '93. Some names have been changed (to protect the innocent...okay, me.)

This early entry, from October 16, 1993, shows my cold heartedness and cruelty at the ripe old age of 7.

Dear Diary,

I'm going to be a pirate For Halloween. My sister has the chicken pox. I hope I do not get the Chicken Pox. I hope My Brother gets it. I WANT TO GET CANDY!



Another one, from June 10, 1994 shows how boy-crazy I was, even at a young age.

Dear Diary,

Today I rented Jaws (side note: who lets an 8 year old watch Jaws? And read the book? With the sex scenes and the F word??). I watched it twice. Last week I got out of school I have a boyfriend his name is Jeff. Today my aunt was here. We did a project. My boyfriend live's in Vermont. (Note: you may think this is a fake boyfriend, like the nerd in high school whose girlfriend lives in Canada...but Jeff was real. He did not know he was my boyfriend...but in my head, he was all mine!)

This trend continued through fifth grade, when I harassed the shyest boy in my class. I seriously wonder if I inflicted damage on that poor child. No wonder he's in the Army now; he's probably still trying to escape me.

Dear Diary,

I sort of have a boyfriend: George Glass (not his real name). He likes me a little and I like him a lot! It's true love! (Every letter or punctuation that required dots was dotted with hearts. My God). I made up a song about George. It is to the tune of Amazing Grace but is like Amazing George. My friends make me sing it all the time. It is so funny.

George and I are going to the carnival next week. I can't wait! This will be my first date. George and I will go on the rides and play games. We're even going to share cotton candy!

I love George!



More retro blogs to come....


Ash Wednesday

Happy Ash Wednesday, everyone!

It's that time of year when everyone (well, us God-forsaken Catholics, anyway) give up one of our cherished vices for forty long days. Although I am not known for my reverence, I have decided to follow Jesus' teachings and give up something for Lent.

The problem is that I have so so many vices to choose from, and it's hard to pick from that ever-growing list. I also don't want to give up anything.

So what should it be? The options are:

1) Drinking (God doesn't hate me and wouldn't want me to suffer, right? Or is that the point of Lent? Jeez, one year out of Catholic school and I've forgotten everything.)
2) Candy (Considering that I just ate cotton candy that is over a week old, I don't think this is going to work.)
3) Super Pretzel Bites (This is what I eat for dinner every night, so...no. Plus they are delicious.)
4) Vodka (I can still drink beer though. NO more blackouts! No more Pregnant Men!)
6) Chocolate (See how I keep narrowing things down? But still, no.)
7) My blog (Yeah. Like I'd ever deprive my readers of laughter. Or myself of attention.)
8) Text messaging (And actually have to TALK to people? No.)
9) Blogging at work (Then what would I do?)
10) Not exercising (So I'll join a gym...No.)

So what should I pick? I'm leaning toward giving up my lazy, couch potato lifestyle...but this would involve exercise and less carbohydrates...



Kelly Does the Recession

The recession has finally caught up with me.

I'm not sure if it's really the recession's fault or if it's my decision to move out with no money saved. I probably should have heeded the advice of family elders and Moe, but I was tired of commuting and I wanted to have a life again. Scrabble on a Friday night with Mom and Dad just wasn't cutting it.

But right now, people, I am hurting.

It's coming at the worst time, too. I'm 23 now, so my student discounts have finally run out. I no longer can point at the Graduation: 2008 sticker on my student ID card and get away with pretending I graduated in December, not May.

Also, I think I've finally outgrown the kids' menu. It was only a couple years ago that I was handed the children's menu at my local Bertucci's. I must have aged a little bit from that summer after freshman year of college, because I no longer am able to take advantage of the smaller portions and prices. Dammit. (Note: I still order exclusively from the Happy Meal and Big Kids' menus of Burger King and McDonald's. But I rarely go there so this does not help much.) Also I can't order a beer and chicken fingers with apple slices at Friday's. It looks shady.

So now I am officially on a budget. I'm going to start bringing lunch to work because eating out is my biggest expense. No more freewheeling Bergin, people. It's PB & J for big K from here on out.

Maybe my lack of finances will reward me by helping me to lose weight. All those penne vodka dinners at cute Italian restaurants have helped me pack on over four pounds. This must be lost! I went shopping at my mom's old favorite stores, Annie Sez. The mirrors are not kind there. They are not kind at all.

So...while I've just started and I'm in no position to give advice...here are my tips for living in Depression-era times.

1) Sing to yourself instead of replacing your iPod. (So what if I look like a freak wandering down Broadway? I enjoy myself.)

2) Buy childrens' underwear and socks (Wait. I'm the only one who does this? Weird.)

3) If you go to the movies, go around dinner so you can just eat a tub of popcorn instead of a meal. No more dinner and a movie for me!

4) Duct tape your old shoes back together and make them last another few weeks of winter. Also buying those Dr. Scholls things are worth it when you get all your shoes at Target and Mandee's.

5) Decorate your apartment with stuff exclusively from dollar stores. I got some great magnets for my fridge at my local store. One says "A woman doesn't have an ass till she gets married!" How hilarious is that!! I can't believe Brenna hid it on me.

6) Charge everything you can on your mother's credit card. Allow yourself to believe that they won't find out, and then ignore their calls when they do.

Anyone else have any good tips?


Depression, Party of One.

You know it's bad when...

The one source of joy in your life is the leftover penne vodka in the fridge. And then you lock yourself in your room and cry when the salt shaker's top falls off and all the salt falls in the bowl and it's ruined.

You don't cry at a Hallmark commercial and consider it an improvement in your mental state.

Work is a welcome distraction. WORK!! If that's not a sign of trouble, I don't know what is.

Brenna tells you to drink a beer because you're bumming her out. And the beer helps.(Side note: See, I always drink for fun. Never to solve any problems. But now I am dangerously teetering to that side in lieu of recent life events. Dammit!)

You eat two boxes of Super Pretzel bites in two days and these deliciously salty bites are the only thing that you can eat without being reminded of someone.

You've listened to Bon Iver's song "Skinny Love" thirty times in a row. (I should have never realized it was about a break up. It has not helped.)

The Backstreet Boys music is a comfort to you because it reminds you of an earlier time, when you didn't KNOW HEARTACHE. Life was simpler then, in 7th grade. Sure, I was ugly. But I was happy.

All your resolutions to improve yourself have flown out the window. Instead, you eat a box of Junior Mints before 10 AM and fried chicken for dinner. Every night.

You feel melancholy and start singing to yourself while walking down the streets, attracting the stares of others. And no, you're not singing along to an iPod. It's just the beat in your own, pathetic head.

You accidentally eat bleach and don't worry that you might die.

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This is normal, right?