7/13/09

What Not To Do: The Kelly Bergin Saga Continues

I'm back with more advice, people!

I know you've missed it. You've probably made so many bad decisions and been like "this is totally because Kelly hasn't posted one of her famous advice columns lately".

Well, I'm back.

Here goes another round of What Not To Do!

1) Do NOT kick a glass door to get someone's attention during a fight. Massive blood loss and tears will follow. You will then develop an oozing wound that will attract the attention of all who look at your foot, causing many of them to turn away in disgust and one unfortunate subway rider to gag.

2) Do NOT tell coworkers that you hurt aforementioned foot in a "surfing accident". People at the office will begin to ask about your great surfing skills and ask your advice about the sport. Note to all: responding "Well I kind of suck and just stand there" is NOT proper surfing advice.

3) Do NOT walk outside in your boxers and ripped tank top and flag down the Mr. Softee truck. The Mr. Softee truck is not a cab and cannot be treated as one. Onlookers will gawk at you and you will feel ashamed as you devour your ice cream.

4) Do NOT walk into a room of full of law students and mutter (too loudly) that "it looks like the UN up in hizz-ere". You will be taken the wrong way and your "I was drunk and trying to be irreverent and hilarious to gain attention to make people love me!" excuse will not fly.

5) Do NOT give your number to the bouncer at the R Bar on Bowery. His name is Clifford Napoleon and he will call and stalk you until you have to text him that he has the wrong number and "the shorty with blonde hair" is no longer interested.

6) Do NOT Twitter while drunk. Drunk Twitter-ing is a dangerous and lethal sport that can lead to loss of friendship and dignity. Avoid it at all costs, dear friends. At all costs.

7) Do NOT let it spill that you may find Jon Gosselin somewhat attractive, despite his double pierced ears, Bluetooth clip and Ed Hardy shirts (he was cute in high school!). Blank stares and gasps of disbelief will follow and you will return to your computer, embarrassed as you click through a gallery of Jon's pictures from high school (TMZ.com, for all you interested parties).

8) Do NOT attempt to cover up the infection on your face by wearing sunglasses indoors, as your coworker will call you out on your decidedly odd behavior and then everyone will notice Little Mount Versuvius on your face. Your boss will then ask if you got hit in the face or hurt in another surfing accident. And you will turn bright red and stammer and wish you were dead.

My life is a farce.

15 comments:

  1. he WAS cute in high school!

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  2. I love reading what not to do!

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  3. 9. Do NOT torture your cousins and sister by singing (over and over again) "Man in the Mirror".

    10. Do NOT follow this up by leaving links on their social networking sites (i.e. twitter and facebook) to the video and other performances of the song. This will cost you the relationship you have with them.

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  4. You are redonkulous... And Kristie's #9 makes me happy (for a change) that I wasn't around on the 5th :P

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  5. If you're going to torture your cousins and sister, at least know the right words!

    If you announce you want to take a nap on the beach don't accuse your beach-mates of letting you get sun burnt... you laid down with the intent to fall asleep knowing there was no sunscreen on your legs!

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  6. I just performed a dramatic reading of your blog to the three lovely ladies, Colleen, Anna and I. Hehe, it was quite a laugh at your suspense. Okay, time for Daisy of Love Biotch! Maybe one day you will be on that primetime level...

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  7. Some additions:
    1) Do NOT walk down a crowded city street with your dress (re: my dress) tucked between your legs in order to ease the chafing between your thighs. You WILL look like A) you are wearing a diaper and/or B) you have a mangina.
    2) Do NOT break wind in an elevator immediately before the doors open. Inevitably, your dear friend's roomates will be waiting to get onto the elevator, resulting in the complete and utter mortification of said dear friend.
    3) Do NOT place your DIRTY DISGUSTING INFECTED HOBBIT FOOT near the immediate vicinity of a dear friend's mouth WHEN HER EYES ARE CLOSED. She will inevitably open said mouth and close her lips around said foot, INSTINCTIVELY THINKING IT MIGHT BE FOOD.

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  8. Gen, you scare me. And perhaps you neeed your own blog.

    Kristie! Scandalous!

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  9. Kelly--i think you are on the wrong medication. Your health issues are not of a physical nature--its true what they say---you are NUTS--love geeky

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  10. all i have to say is that you would lie about being able to surf hahah you have been lying about that since orientation for college...tool..

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  11. Dude, you could have your own show. Srsly. You are hysterical.

    I'd mock you over the Jon G. thing, but I used to crush on Barry Scheck.

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  12. yeah....drunk twittering is no bueno.

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