Since My Brenna Left Me

My roommate has gone and left me.

Yes, it's true. She's gone, baby, gone.

I didn't even get a "bye, bye, bye".

She claims she's coming back. But that was weeks ago.

She stole my heart and my True Blood Season 1 DVDs.

Oh, the pain.

Since she's been gone (note: this post will be littered with pop song references. I listen to Z100 sometimes, SO SUE ME!), things have fallen apart.

I have decided to write her an open letter (like Candy Spelling!) to guarantee her return.

Dear Brenna,

Please come back. Things aren't good around here without you. I know our fish died, and I know it was my fault because I made fun of him, but that doesn't mean that we should split up. I need you back. I need you back.

In a plea for your return, I have documented a very real and very sad scene that occurred last week after work.

The following is a scene from last week.

INT-BROOKLYN APARTMENT. KITCHEN IS LITTERED WITH DISHES AND STACKS OF UNPAID BILLS. ENTER-CHARMING AND ATTRACTIVE 23 YEAR OLD WOMAN. SHE IS FLUSTERED AND SWEATING.

KELLY (to herself)
OMG, It's so hot in here. I wish Brenna were here so I could ask her how to put on her A/C.
I wish she answered text messages or calls.

KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE KITCHEN SINK AND DRINKS DIRECTLY OUT OF THE FAUCET

KELLY (to herself, always to herself)
Man, I wish Brenna were here to fill up the Brita.

KELLY LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES THERE ARE FRUIT FLIES EVERYWHERE

KELLY
(screeching)
AAAH! Bugs! I hate bugs!!

SHE RUNS TO THE SINK AND BEGINS THROWING WATER IN THE AIR. SHE GETS SOAKED.

KELLY
AAAH! I need Brenna! I need Brenna! Why are their fruit flies everywhere? I don’t eat FRUIT! Can they come from Gushers??? Ah!!

KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH, LAYS DOWN IN HER WORK CLOTHES AND FALLS ASLEEP. SHE WAKES UP TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

KELLY
I guess I should make dinner since Brenna’s not here to make me fun Arthur shapes Mac and Cheese. Ooh, I think I have Easy Mac!

KELLY WALKS OVER TO THE CABINET AND REALIZES SHE IS TOO SHORT TO REACH IT. SHE GETS THE STOOL. SHE IS STILL TOO SHORT. SHE GRABS THE BROOM TO KNOCK DOWN HER FOOD.

KELLY
If Brenna were here, she could reach this for me!

KELLY BEGINS TO GRUNT AS SHE TRIES TO MANUEVER THE BROOM TO KNOCK DOWN THE BOX OF EASY MAC. WHILE DOING THIS, SHE FALLS OFF THE STOOL TWICE AND SWALLOWS A FLY.

KELLY
Ugh, this Mac and Cheese better be good.

FINALLY, SHE KNOCKS DOWN THE BOX. IN HER EXCITEMENT, SHE FALLS OFF THE STOOL FOR A THIRD TIME.

KELLY
VICTORY!

KELLY OPENS THE BOX.

KELLY
Nooo!! There’s no more left!

SHE BEGINS TO WAIL, AND RUNS AROUND THE APARTMENT, BANGING ON THE WALLS IN PAIN. SHE STRIPS DOWN TO HER UNDERWEAR AND BRA AND FLINGS HERSELF ONTO THE COUCH, WHERE SHE CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP.

END SCENE.

Don't make me send Bill Clinton up to Boston to retrieve you like he did with those two Asian chicks.

Come back.

Love,

Kelly