Kelly Bergin, Age 11

So basically when I was eleven I was a really precocious and special child. I exhibited extraordinary literary prowess and was pretty much an asshole. Seriously. I was bad. I threatened suicide when my parents told me I couldn't watch a PG-13 movie. I'd like to think it's because I'm an artist (stop laughing) and my young, innocent psyche was damaged from taking in the cruel world of elementary school politics.

Also my brother Greg, who was 6 at the time, was a real pain in the ass.

My dad emailed me this yesterday. It's a gem of a letter I wrote to my parents after an unfortunate hole in the wall incident. I was totally provoked by Greg. That little bastard got away with murder.

It reads as follows (the parenthetical remarks are my father's.)

Dear Mom, 3/26/97

I am very sorry for what I have done. I had a bad day and when Gregory screamed at me I got very mad. I touched his back, I didn't hit him, punch him or kick him. (lie) He may proclaim that, but it is not true. When you told me to get away from him, I said that I can never have a peaceful meal without him yelling at me. You told me that I always have to have the last word. My feelings towards that are not pleasant. I got so mad that I kicked the ground and by accident kicked the wall which formed a hole. (lie) I will pay for the wall, although Dad will not get a birthday present. (surprise,surprise) You can take away my so called allowance. I only have about $20.00.

I hope that you will forgive me. The results of my bad day were I got a C on my math test. I was very upset all day and tonight wasn't exactly the high point of my day.

All I am trying to explain here is that I'm very sorry and I hope you will forgive me for all the trouble I have caused tonight. I love you and will try harder in the future to cool down.

Love always,



An Ode To Arlene N., Duane Reade Pharmacy Technician

Oh Arlene N.,

you look so mean,

With that menacing face

and unfortunate ‘stache

You always seem to mishandle my cash.

Fumbling coins and miscounting my change,

Your pronouncement of money due is never in range.

I hate to remind you but you never remember all my pills,

With you, Arlene N., it’s a battle of wills.

All I was is my synthroid,

But you deprive me, you feeling-less droid.

Please just give me my pills, each and every med;

I need them to move, I get cranky in bed.

And don’t you look at me with those beady eyes,

Your failure to fill is no surprise.

I’m tired of coming back, nearly every day,

staring at your female mustache in dismay.

Oh Arlene N., technician of Avenue B,

Did you know they sell wax here, on aisle 3?

You can use your discount to wax off that face,

And then perhaps you’ll be in a much better place.

Happier to fill my drugs and smile as I express gratitude,

Hopefully, next time I see you, we’ll both be in better moods.


The Kelly Bergin Scale O' Pain

People (aka my mom) are always asking me how I’m feeling.

I never really know what to say without freaking people out.

Many times I wish I could give a number to let them really know how I feel, but how would they know what those numbers meant?

I was perplexed. And a little bit sad.*

Until today.

Today, it came to me. The perfect scale! Designed by a patient with questionable character and an unsafe sanity level. It's revolutionary! I can see it now, hanging up in hospitals, nursing homes and mental asylums!

It is...

The Kelly Bergin Scale O’ PainTM

0- I’m cured!

1- I’m almost cured!

2- I’m sort of cured!

3- The cure is coming!

4- What’s a cure?

5- Ow.

6- OW.


8- Someone stab me.

9- Am I alive?

10- Dead.

*= Ha. Not really. I don't get sad, bitches. No more tears for Bergin in 2010!


Maybe I should move to LA

Me: What are you up to tonight?
Rachel: The prince has invited me to his casa in Bel Air tonight for a champagne toast of the new year ha ha.
Me: Oh, I'm going to go home and put on my sweatpants. Maybe make some Ramen, maybe rent a movie, I DON'T KNOW!


Two Years

Two years ago I sat in my kitchen with my boyfriend on my left, my parents on the right, my sister, in the middle.

And they told me, all at once. They told me with faces and words and outstretched arms.

I think I cried. I can't remember, but I'm sure that's what a normal person would have done. I know that I made phone calls and told friends.

But still...I can't remember everything.

It happened in different ways, all at the same time. All the shapes it took, the ways it unfolded and happened--I couldn't take it in then.

Even when I was right in the middle of it, I was remembering something else. I was looking for something else. I was saying to myself that treatment would be done by April and I would graduate in May. I would finish school on time. That was what I thought I should thinking about: the next step, the next breath. The next ten minutes in class--would I shoot my hand in the air and answer the question? These were the things I thought about. Dinners I would eat. Trips I would take.

I can’t remember now like I want to. I can’t think back because I can’t believe it has been two years. Perhaps I need more distance, more time to unravel my memories, pick apart what is truth and what is projection.

I need more time to think.

I need to remember the time I had cancer and was graduating college and had really bad acne.

I need to remember to move on.


New Beers Resolutions


It's Sunday. January 3rd. Which means that my vacation from the real world is about to end. In 24 hours I will be at my desk. At work. Crying.

And because I decided the new Kelly would begin on the 4th, I won't be crying into my favorite bag of salt and vinegar chips. I won't be drowning my sorrows into a vanilla latte from Starbucks. There will be no Rice Krispie treat to catch my tears.

It will be January 4th and these resolutions will begin...

1) Go to the gym at least 4 times a week. I don't really see this happening. I hate working out and gyms smell bad. Plus sometimes this means that I'll have to shower twice in one day. I dislike this idea immensely. But I am going to try!

2) Give up soda, candy, Starbucks, chips and fried food. This basically means I have to reinvent my entire diet. Note that I did not include bagels. A girl's got to live for something.

3) Only get drunk once a week and never during the week. Ha.

4) Write a book. This is the year!

5) Quit using parents' credit card. Considering I have the numbers memorized (I don't even know my own credit card numbers), this will likely be the most difficult resolution. But I'm almost 24 (gasp!) so it's time to give it up. UGHHHH.

6) Save money. Since I intend to follow #5 and I am also planning a trip to Europe, I also don't see this happening. But whatever. I'm going to try.

Okay. I think six resolutions are enough. There are multiple areas of improvement in my life, but come on--I can only do so much. Plus, my flaws just make me more charming. (Right??)

What are you giving up this year?

Wish me luck!