Dear Benefactors of Kelly-Bergin.com,
On STUPID Super Bowl Sunday, the worst day in the world, I went to a rooftop in STUPID Williamsburg to take pictures. I placed my Ray Ban glasses on my lapel to properly shoot cliched photos of the Manhattan skyline when a HUGE GUST of UNRULY wind knocked my glasses onto the street below, never to be seen again. (A hipster probably found them and put them on his dog as a joke ha ha and then probably submitted his dog to Hipster Puppies!! STUPID HIPSTERS!)
Since glasses are pretty expensive and I'm pretty broke, I've been blind ever since. I don't "do" contacts (mostly because the one time I was supposed to get them, I got drunk with Rachel instead and missed my appointment. Also my mother doesn't think I'm "responsible enough". HA!).
Last week I went to the eye doctor to get an updated prescription for the glasses I can't afford and even THE DOCTOR was "Damn girl, you been walkin round blind all this time??" (she was sassy!) and I was like "Yes! I'm poor and my parents are trying to teach me a lesson about losing stuff!" (This is my fourth lost pair of glasses in two years.)
Anyway things have gone downhill since I lost me specs. Please see the following reasons y'all should buy me new glasses and/or give me your pair:
1) Since losing my valuable Bans, I've become That Crazy Slightly Racist Chick On The Street Who Waves At Strangers. (Un)fortunately for my liberal, lefty, love everyone image, it seems that every race has blended together to form one human I think I know and therefore should wave at. And since I'm not at all prejudiced when it comes to my blindness, the black, white, Asian, homeless, and minor celebrities all look the same to me. And that, dear stranger with a confused look on your face, is why I am waving at you. I think you're my friend or Julianna Marguiles, so please--wave back! I may not know you, but don't you want to know me? (No? NO? NO?!?!?)
2) Watching TV is hard. FOR EXAMPLE: I was watching LOST and I couldn't really see the TV so I thought the new chick on the show was Rousseau because they kinda look alike and then I was like oh wait, maybe that's Tina Fey? Well it wasn't either of them and now I'm even more confused about the show than I was in the first place!
3) Because I can't see, I'm always straining my eyes, head and neck. Now I have a constant migraine and have become addicted to Ativan/Excedrin migraine/Advil to deal with this. Also: chocolate.
4) Due to constant migraine, I am very cranky and annoy my coworkers to make myself feel better. Writing songs often works, especially when most go like this: "Death, death, DEATH/ Come take me/ I hate everyone/Including youuuuu!" They hate it and I'm going to get fired.
5) Since I can't see the screen, I've seen very few movies over the past few months. This is hard for me because movie theater popcorn is my favorite food and now I have to make the fake imitation at home. Yesterday I nearly set my kitchen ablaze because apparently mini bags aren't timed the same as normal people bags. (WHO KNEW!?) I got so frustrated with the charred mess of kernels that I went to Duane Reade and bought a Movie Theater Butter regular sized pack. Then I made the entire bag and tried to watch "How I Met Your Mother" but I couldn't really see the screen so I TRIED to move the TV stand closer and a DVD dropped on my foot and it really, really hurt. Now it's bruised and matches my purple nail polish, which is poorly applied because I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING.
See (ha ha I made a pun, remember I can't see?) how bad it's getting?!? Please consider making a contribution (non-tax-deductible) to the Buy Kelly New Glasses And Her Security Deposit Because She Has To Move Again Fund.
Kelly "Blind as a Fucking Bat" Bergin