Make sure you pet Coolie on the head a lot. HARD! He likes it rough. And talk to him.
The most important thing: if people are over and hanging out for a while, you need to let him run around or he will be miserable. Bunnies are very social creatures and need to feel included so that they don’t become depressed. When you leave, you HAVE to catch him and put him back in his cage. He cannot be left unsupervised or he will eat lead paint and die. When he is out, be sure to keep the door open so he can get back into his cage if he wants to or needs his litter box.
When he is out of his cage: THE BATHROOM DOOR MUST REMAIN CLOSED AND THE KITCHEN GATE MUST BE PUT ACROSS THE GAP. He CANNOT go into the bathroom or kitchen because he will go into my closet and eat my dresses and/or go into the kitchen and eat the electric and/or gas cords and die/ possibly blow up the building. You should keep the bathroom door closed at all times and the gate up as well just so you don’t forget. This is VERY important.
Food: there is food in the plastic bin next to his cage. Just make sure there is always food in his dish.
Water: change his water as much as possible with cold water from the tap. When you arrive change his water, when you leave, change his water. He needs to drink a lot and likes clean water because he is a prissy bitch. If you show up after he has had a temper tantrum and he has thrown his toys in the water, take them out and give him fresh water. If he has put newspaper, food, poop, etc in his water dish b/c he is a brat, flush the stuff down the toilet and give him fresh water. He does need his water changed 1x/day minimum.
Litter box: once a day just throw a handful of clean shavings (in the plastic bin next to his cage) over the poopy ones. This way the apt won’t smell and neither will he.
Newspapers: if he pees or poops on his newspapers, just lay clean ones over the dirty ones (in the plastic bin next to his cage). This way the apt won’t smell and neither will he. Be sure not to cover his toys with the news papers when you do so.
Hay: if you feel so inclined, throw a little handful of clean hay (in the plastic bin next to his cage) into his litter box. He likes to eat it while he poops.
If you have ANY questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to call me at any time of the day or night (I will be awake and probably doing something ridiculous).
Feel free to eat, drink, smoke, etc anything you find in the apt and I will buy some beers for you tonight and leave them in the fridge. If you have a party, send me pics so I don’t feel left out.
Shanks and Alex, make sure Kelly doesn’t get too drunk and forget to take care of Coolie. If he dies, I will never let you forgive yourselves.
If I die in Vegas please make sure Coolie gets safely to my mother. Her name is Kathy and she may be reached at 555-555-5555 (EDITOR'S NOTE: I always wanted to do this to a real phone number like they do on TV or in The Babysitter's Club books.)
Thanks, Muffin! You are the best.
P.S. I’ve copied my brother and sister on this email as witnesses to your responsibilities.
Probably the funniest email I've ever received. Erica is my work BFF and if I kill the only child God/nature would ever give her, I'm going to:
A) Probably get fired
B) Have to put together a rabbit funeral
C) Be around when she cries, which is just awkward.
Wish me luck.
at 12:16 PM
1) You confuse leggings for pants.
2) You wear last season's black boots and forget that they had holes in them. On the one day it rains in weeks.
3) You attempt to get up to go to the gym in the morning, but in a half stupor/sleep, you shut off the alarm and wake up at 8:47.
4) Your new coworker asks if you have cats. In complete seriousness.
5) You wear your new black leather jacket outside in the rain, without an umbrella, and ruin it.
6) You eat a mini 3 Muskeeteers bar for lunch and call it a diet.
7) Your paycheck fails to deposit itself and you overdraft because you spend 10 dollars on dinner.
8) Your immune system is so low that you get the flu shot and immediately get a version of the flu that you name Flu Jr.
at 4:02 PM
Recently I overpaid in the good name of charity for my very own breathalyzer.
I've been wanting one of these for quite some time.
I always say "Wow, I got so drunk last night!" but I'd actually like to document how drunk I really was. Because let's face it, I overexaggerate.
at 11:42 AM