Melodramatic Things I Write On The Train

There is no end to this, no end in sight. And so I will keep running around, living, looking at apartments and drinking and laughing and at some point, a point that has yet to be ingrained in my mind, I will accept It. That this is what happened to me. This is my story. And I'll finally be free, able to look people in the eye when they say oh you'll feel better soon, one day, this will all be behind you-- I will be able to look at them and say, no. I won't. And that's okay.

Because I'm still here.


What Living At Home Is Like /OMG GET ME A NEW APARTMENT!*

Just kidding, Mom.

Here, dear friends, are the pros/cons of living at home.


1) I never have to do my own laundry! Every morning I wake up, surrounded by clean shirts, socks and pants. Everything smells delicious and brand new, like a newborn babe. When I was living in squalor in Brooklyn, my clothes always smelled like Febreze because for me, Febreze equaled Tide detergent. I've come to learn that they are not, in fact, the same. Yay Mom!

2) Sometimes, when my dad drives me to the train station, he says "Do you have any cash?" and even if I do, (rare) I say "no" and then sometimes, SOMETIMES, he gives me a twenty! For no reason! I think maybe he thinks I have to buy my ticket onboard SO NO ONE TELL HIM. Oh crap.

3) My mom cooks me dinner and even if I don't eat it, it's better than my old meals of Ramen noodles and vodka.

4) I'm saving money living at home. And by saving I mean having extra cash to spend on frivolous items like a mini Razor scooter and Miami and Seattle. WOO!

5) My brother Greg's secret candy stash. Now that he has left for college it's ALL MINE!!! HELLO, CAVITIES! Welcome to my mouth!


While living at home definitely has its "perks", there are some days that make me yearn for my own place.

1) See the following conversation, which occurred when my mom decided to learn about this newfangled device called a hair straightener! Oh Golly!

Mother: Is it...on?
Me: Yes.
Me: Yes Mom...much like a real iron...it is hot.
Mother: Oh wow, look at my hair!

2) Also, this conversation:

Me: I'm not staying home for dinner.
Mother: Why? I"m making rice!
Me: Yeah...so I'm not staying home for dinner.
Mother: Why not?
Mother: Oh yeah. God, stop playing the cancer card!

3) And this one, too.

Me: Good morning.
Me: (wails) YES! (runs upstairs to change)

4) Oh, and this one too.

Father: Are you going to be around tonight?
Me: YES, GOD, I live at home now!!
Father: Can't you...sleep at Meghan's?
Me: NO!
Father: But it's Friday night..
Me: So?
Father: So it's date night... and your mother looks damn sexy with that new straight hair...
Me: (emits blood curdling scream) I hate empty nesters!

5) And finally, this one:

Father: So Patty Ann (my mother), should we tell her?
Me: (Frantically scanning my brain to what this could be. Is my mom too old to have a baby? What's menopause???) What?????
Father: Well...
Mother: See..
Father: Since your brother went to college...
Mother: We've been spending a lot of time together...
Me: (gagging) Yes...
Father: Well, we really like being empty nesters.
Mother: So, please.
Father: Find a new apartment soon.
Me: How rude!


Unfortunately for them, I kind of like living at home. I'm a nomad for most of the week, so coming home to my warm bed, with my cable TV and my laptop, with the Reese's peanut butter cups and my cute dog, is kind of nice. Plus hanging with my parents is surprisingly fun. So nice and fun, in fact, that I may even stay for awhile.

Sorry, Mom and Dad!

*= Some details have been changed to protect the innocent and exaggerated to bring the funny.



Warning: I curse and I LIKE IT, so deal. Sorry Grandma.


Here we go.

THURSDAY MORNING, all excited, fists pumping, airport ride, OP my driver, Gen's dad-- dang he's hot, get to the airport, Meghan's already yelled at me twice, morning time and she ain't so nice, not my fault that I'm high on that coffee bean, no tea leaf. We fly out, baller style, New York to LA, that's how I play. Arrival gate, Shanni pulling up in Pearl, oh what my favorite car, my favorite girl, 2Pac pumping, backseat jumping, WEST COAST, I break from Biggie love and show 2Pac some respect, bout to make a career out of my ability to freestyle, screaming the words like i'm an insolent child...

THURSDAY DAY, we roll up to Santa Monica, switching to songs with harmonica, it's chill, it's hot, it's warm, there's men and they are fiiiine, we are laughing in the sand, ocean splashing, waves crashing.

THURSDAY NIGHT, oh it's on, first night in LA, Shanni's got to show us a good time, text the promoters, find the show, oh wait, HANSON IS IN TOWN, whaddya know. I love Hanson, we all know that, i'm like oh it is FATE, secret show in LA the one day I'm in the county? Decide to go, and leave Meghan, Gen, CJ and Ray behind. But it's all good, I see the show, I get the pictures, I jam out, I cry a little bit, not a big deal, only made my life, you go through all the pain and strife. Leave the cafe, find myself a cab, New York-style, hands in the air, TAXIIIIIII, get in, go to meet the loco ladies, we roll to Coco DeVille, it's awkward in there, but vodka, tonic, whatever I'm ON IT, we chug, we drink, we dance, we laugh.

FRIDAY, hangover like you know I do, Zuma Beach, Malibu. towels on the sand, faces on our hands, we laugh and swim and remember our friends, write poems, write raps, performance space, all that crap.

FRIDAY NIGHT, feeling tired, don't wanna get fired, chill in ray's apt, true blood, what's good, rest up easy, tomorrow's gonna be breezy.

SATURDAY, a big day, i felt it, Hermosa beach, love it, beers, burgers and broads, we meet James and his soccer moves, buys us our food, nothing tastes better than cheddar without the dough, seriously best burgers though, so here we go, Saturday night, party at Matt's, looked like a fool but knew i was cool, they're going to the club and i gotta meet them at ray's pad. pass out in the cab and wake up to the driver saying 'hey miss-- are you a drunken rider?' pay the bill, enter the space, shower, straighten, easy as cake. i had a feeling this night would be huge, go to empire, male models, gen's a baller, i meet an uglier man, but at least he's taller (this time). we run around like crazy kids, drinking the fizz, not paying for drinks, i can't think, we're heading to mclovin's, we shout in the car, pull up Mclovin's crib, oh shit you know this will be big. too much of a crazy night to detail here, i got the pictures though so you KNOW IT'S REAL.

SUNDAY FUNDAY, the hangover lives on, Venice beach though--you know we gotta go. we see the muscles, the tees, ladies please, that man is mine, you know he's fine. We drinkin, we hanging, we friends, we bangin, all the sudden hangover hits, oh no, Ray's got the shits! Bathroom break, whole world shakes, but we rollin, the clock is tolling, faces burning and we know we're done. Starting to get sad because it's our last night, so we promise that we gotta do it right...

SUNDAY NIGHT, almost was a big fat failure, we made it out though, drinkin like a sailor, no fleet week for us, but the drinks were free, head banging, dirt nastyyyy, beardo on the stage with Gen's old 'do, meghan dancing, colleen prancing, rachel and the baldie swapping spit, New York ain't got shit on Party Hardy LA....

MONDAY, beach time, our last go around, hit the town, see the friends, see the boys, we're laughing, we're nostalgic, it's time to go. one last sunburn, one last drink, one last taste, pacific ocean, we loved this place.

So that's all there is
about our trip to LA
it was so fucking awesome
but now we pay
Credit card bills like you won't believe
sore throat, red face, gotta take some Aleve.
So peace out Cali,
you did us well.
See you soon, motherfucker,
if we're not in Hell.

(This post inspired by Malibu's Most Wanted. I actually had his voice in my head as I scribbled this down, son.)