Dear Diary

Dear Self-Control,

How have you been? It's been so long since we last functioned together. Side-by-side, we made such a great team. You were the voice inside my head, that last lingering bit of my conscience.

Since you've disappeared, things just haven't been the same. Take last night for example. I went out with the company softball team after our game (in which I ducked at an oncoming line drive and hit a dribbler to the pitcher in my one at-bat). I planned to have just one but without you there, my plan crumbled faster than an Oreo in heat.

And today, today, today--I thought you had come back! At lunch, I said an emphatic NO to french fries, promising the waiter (and myself) that I'd nibble at one or two from Hailey's plate. The fries came out, plump yet crisp, and self-control, you disappeared! At a vital moment in my diet and in my life, you had forsaken me. So I ate my half of the plate, and dumped salt on it too (which I hear is bad for the blood pressure).

I miss you, self-control. I need you. We had the best life together, way back when. Four years of college have whittled you away to nothing, and now I sit here at my desk, wishing for your quick and speedy return.

I'll be good, I promise.

Faithfully yours,

Kelly

Way Back When...

2004. It was simpler times. The economy was good, I was in college, my parents paid my rent...ah, I had the life. Everyone told me to cherish these days, that college didn't last forever, but I didn't listen. I remember a Tom Petty quote on everyone's Facebook...something about college, papers, and beer. I made fun of it then but PETTY HAD IT RIGHT! Damn that genius. He was right about college and he was damn right about "Free Falling".

Those were the days I thought it was acceptable to drink wine from a box, use "n" instead of and, and freely admit that I almost voted for Bush! We drank malt liquor, got bad tattoos (not me!), and ran between subway cars! We smoked American Spirits, wore fedoras (see picture to the left. I'm no Samantha Ronson. Thank God.), ate easy Mac for breakfast, and changed our sheets once a semester. Those were truly the days.

Back in college, the only restaurant we ever went to was a place on the Upper West Side we affectionately called "China Wine". We named it so because your lo mein came with carafes of free, flowing white zinfandel. We thought that "China wine" was really great vino, even though we had to cut it with Sprite and sip it with a straw. Sideways, we were not.

I also liked horrible music, like Dashboard Confessional. I thought he really "got me". I used to listen to his CD over and over when I was homesick for NJ (a mere forty miles away).

2004-2005 was also the year I gained 20 pounds from eating Chinese food. My mom even staged an intervention over Mother's Day brunch. ("Kelly...you're fat. And your room is a mess.)

It was a wake up call that summer, going home and realizing Rachel had shed twenty pounds while I was busy piling them on. Damn lo mein!

(Although judging from my diet of late, I guess things really haven't changed.)

Rummaging through photos of the past reminded me of how I thought I'd have it all figured out at 23. Twenty three seemed so old. I realize now that 23 is just another age that I'll look back on fondly, remembering my youthful indiscretions. As much as I would like to think we have all changed and matured, we continue to drink too much, sleep too late, and make horrible, awful decisions resulting in loss of blood, friends and significant others. The only difference is that we now drink on the weekends, pay taxes, and have money to buy new sheets when we haven't done our laundry in awhile.

Oh well. As I always say....we've only got ONE LIFE! to make the most of...

And I'm certain we'll all figure it out very soon.

Things I Love (Right Now)

1) Spring! It's spring! And boy, is it glorious! Yesterday we lounged in Central Park for hours and hours and I got sunburned and everyone was happy.

2) Baseball. Despite the fact that the Yankees got spanked yesterday, there's nothing better than a baseball game, stadium cotton candy ("THE COTTON CANDY MAN! DEREK, I see him! GET HIM TO COME OVER HERE!"), hot dogs, and twelve dollar beers.

3) Brunch. How on earth did it take me twenty three years to appreciate this miracle of a meal? Waffles AND unlimited mimosas? Oh, my.

4) New babies! Let's face it: babies are cuter, better smelling and better looking than most of us. My darling cousin Liz and her husband Kyle welcomed their first child on Friday, a beautiful babe named Kelly. Err---I mean Cecelia Rose. Now I just gotta get to Seattle to see the munchkin and teach her all the bad tricks I've taught the rest of my (fake) nieces. Get ready for a drumming, cursing baby who throws her toys while screaming "BOMBS AWAY!"

5) Bonnaroo. It is now less than two months away! Our foray into the Tennessee wilderness, encountering beasts (hippies) from all walks of life is going to be...well....LEGEN-DARY. (I had to say it.)

6) Planning trips I can't afford. I'm thinking Seattle this summer, Paris in October, maybe Australia for Christmas? I think this whole idea of "saving" is really quite overrated. And I have a really good feeling about next week's Take 5 Lotto picks. Plus Tim McGraw has advised me to live like I was dying...so...I'm going to go ahead and do so.

What are you loving right now?

little slice of life.

C'mon, you can do it.

Seriously...it's Friday night.

Everyone's going. I haven't seen you in so long.

But we had plans...

Why are you so lame?

----------------

I wake up. Headache. I walk. Knees. Work. Tired. Home. Headache. Can't sleep. Neck. Back. Brain.

This is exhausting.

It's okay though. I can handle this. I have. Plus, it's funny sometimes. Like today, when I nearly aspirated my lungs during a test because I was stupidly chewing gum and it almost went into my lungs. Whoops. But come on, Orbit lasts forever! And it's so delicious!

But it sucks, because I am lame. I'm painfully aware of this. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm in a Boo Radley phase, and I just gotta sleep sleep sleep.

My doctor reminded me a couple weeks ago: there is no cure for this. This is lifetime baby; chronic. It's not getting better and God willing, it won't get worse.

I'm just going to try and hibernate, Berenstain Bear style.

Maybe I'll feel better when spring has truly sprung.

When I can smell and hear and eat and laugh and nothing, nothing hurts.

Saddest Moments of Last Week

1) Getting locked in a McDonald's after going back two times because they screwed up my order and I REALLY wanted those chicken McNuggets. Also, I left a cab running this entire time and my total ended up being 24.70. I gave him $25 exactly. I expect the cab drivers to strike outside my apartment any day now.

2) I accidentally went into the men's room at work and was screamed at by a random person (whom I had never seen before) who, coincidentally, looks like a demented teddy bear. In my defense, the picture on the door was awfully androgynous.

3) I took so many cabs that my bank account literally exploded and left me with 9 dollars until payday.

4) I walked into walls and my cubicle so many times this week due to my loss of peripheral vision that someone at work asked me about my bruises. I wish I was kidding.

5) I made a playlist called "sad, sleep, forever". Puts me right to sleep.

6) Gen and I got into a mud fight at 3 am and Girls Gone Wild wasn't even there to film it. There goes my chance at stardom!

Annnnnnd that was last week.

making people feel uncomfortable, 24/7.

Methinks (new favorite word, I do not care if I'm using it wrong, it's awesome)...where was I? Oh, right. Methinks that I've been making people a bit uncomfortable this past week with my tendency to...well...over share.

Example #1

Coworker: Where were you this morning? I was paging you...
Me: Uh, well. I had a doctors' appointment.
Nosy Coworker: Oh. Are you okay? You look fine (thanks, I know. I'm gorgeous.)
Me: Uh. Yeah. I just...well...see about a year ago I had cancer.
Coworker (regretting ever paging me, regretting ever talking to me): Gasp!
Me: Um, yeah. It's seriously, it's like really, um, it's no big deal...it was just thyroid cancer (really, it wasn't bad) and you know, I just had to get these shots...
Coworker: Oh. What kind?
Me: Uh, in my butt.
Coworker (walking away...clearly scarred): Oh wow. Feel better. Bye.

Why? WHY DO I HAVE TO OVERSHARE WHEN I'M UNCOMFORTABLE?

This always happens to me.

Hold me closer, tiny cancer...Actually, don't. Stay away!

It's National Young Adult Cancer Awareness So You Better Pay Attention Week (or something like that..)

The young adult cancer population is severely under served by research groups. Unlike every other age group, there has been no improvement in the 5-year survival of young adults since 1976. Young adults with cancer have different needs than the primary two groups with cancer: children and old people (Err...I mean the elderly. Sorry Grandma.). Young adults with cancer face issues with fertility, finances, and health insurance companies. Your twenties are difficult, but it sucks a lot more when you have cancer and are worried about missing work, school, and getting drunk with your friends. (I seem not to have a problem with the last one.)

So that's why you should care about helping to fund research for these all important group of cancer patients and survivors (ahem...me).

Sign this petition:

http://www.seventyk.org/

And visit my FAVORITE cancer organization to learn more about this cause.

i2y.org

And that's my plug of the week!

Blasphemy, KB style.

You may know that I "made" an album a few years ago called "Songs of Color: My Sister Red". I "wrote" all the songs and performed them in one sitting as Meghan and Gen watched (and occasionally chimed in as "drummers" or "backup singers"). Most songs were mostly about my beautiful red haired sibling, but there was a song on there that I had written in honor of Easter (I wrote all these "songs" on Easter Eve).

So in honor of the holiest of days, I present to you my first made for blog video...featuring...THE EASTER SONG!